I’m down and missing significant pieces of my life…still sober though, just getting shit off my chest…again.

Firstly, I’m venting to get it out of me; and to process, so that I can accept it….long free-writing ramble.

The best kind right?

I haven’t spoken to my children in over two months. 

Every time I have tried to call or make plans to see them, I get no answer or response.

So I stopped trying. 

Two years ago I was calling every night. I was sick, and relapsing on and off; but I was still trying to maintain some sort of communication with my children. Always sober when I called. ALWAYS. I wanted them to know that I loved them, despite my absence/illness…also that I was still here. Since I was having financial issues at that time, I asked for Skype to be installed, so that I could talk to them… NO. I was told to get a proper phone like an adult, and call. So I did. 

I was treated like a piece of shit for having issues, and was talked down to repeatedly. Mostly just to keep me down; a lot of it, in front of my children.

My ex- husband then started telling me, that my daughter was having anxiety issues and had to see a therapist for it; because of me, and my calling…and the fact that she thought I just left her (because she was not told otherwise); also that the kids were old enough to make their own decisions about whether or not they wanted a relationship with me; and if given the choice, they would choose not to. 

He also said I abandoned my kids; and said I never even tried to call them.

Lately that’s been running through my mind like a broken record.

To my Ex-husband:  I DID NOT abandon my kids. I tried to see the kids before I left, and YOU said I couldn’t. I was in Kalamazoo, and you knew I was. 

I visited twice, as my finances would allow, after I left. 

I left the situation in general, because I knew I was going down, and I didn’t want to take anybody else with me. Our marriage was completely over, and you tried to shove me in a home with convicts and throw away the key; instead of actually helping me. Fuck that. I mean let’s get real here.

I’m pretty sure you would have left as well.

YOU TOLD ME NOT TO CALL. 

I call me leaving the marriage and then Michigan; being selfless and admitting that I was not able to be a fully-stable parent because my son passed, and I was his 24/7 caretaker…NOT YOU. I knew. Should I have robotted my way through it, like you? Don’t punish me for the rest of my life for not being as strong as you are. IT’S NOT RIGHT.  You never even tried to talk with me about any of it. Stop thinking I am the Jenni you knew so long ago. You don’t know me at all anymore.

I made some really bad choices in the past with a lot of things, but that’s not what I’m doing now. All of that crap was directly related to my grief…all of it. I never would have gone off the deep end like that had Karter not gone.

The reality is: I don’t get texts, calls, pictures or letters; although I’ve asked a million times for them. It is always me communicating with my kids. I’ve received one letter only, and one call when my son passed drivers training. My kids have phones and computers, and you have ALL of my information. When I do get to talk to them, they seem distracted and only concerned with things they want me to buy them, but can’t afford. Is this what I’ve become? It’s like I’m NO ONE to them now. 

I mean you blocked my eldest daughter, because she sent me a recent picture of my kids. 

Are you fucking serious?

I know that’s how kids are, but it hurts. It hurts because you intentionally made It worse by not telling them anything but bad shit about me. It hurts to know they don’t need me in their lives. It hurts that no matter what efforts I make, it is never enough. It hurts to know that some other woman does the things that I should be doing every day for my kids, but can’t. It hurts to know you give her the emotional support, that you should have given me. It hurts to know that you never tried to enforce the fact that I loved my kids, to my kids; made them think I abandoned them, and lied to everyone about how you raised them by yourself, and I was a shitty mother. 

You were at work. I was doing everything until you started taking shit away.  I took care of them for years after I left, even when I was working two jobs. 

But you raised them alone huh?

That’s a BS lie, and you know it.

The thing is though, that I KNOW that I’ve caused significant damage to my kids regarding my grief-filled, shit-storm of a spiral down…so I don’t have the RIGHT to be hurt. I DO understand that completely.

I’ve admitted and accepted responsibility for absolutely everything I ever did or was.

It STILL hurts. Because I have been talked down about, to my kids for years…by YOU, dear ex. 

And you said you’d never , ever keep my kids from me. 

You have. 

And you say it’s because you want to protect them. 

Protect them from what? A REAL, healthy relationship with their mother? 

What do I have to do? 

You know it kills me, but you don’t even care.

You’re hurting your kids too, you know. The sad thing is, you think it doesn’t hurt them. They don’t talk to me, because they don’t want to make you angry. Nothing more. I know about things like that for sure.

I’m a bipolar alcoholic with addictive tendencies. I’m NOT a bad person, or the devil. I am not a danger to my kids at all any longer, and I want some sort of break on that, because it’s absolutely ridiculous at this point. I am a sick person who has to maintain sobriety to keep in control. I try every day to be a better person, and am doing really well.

I don’t understand how my family can’t see this….OH yes I can. Not one person has called me in over three years. Thanks…I’m fine. You know just because I’ve had some VALID problems, doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids or can’t become better. I do and I have. 

I don’t want to be with my ex at all (obviously); I’m super glad he’s happy with his new wife, but I am not doing so well without my kids.

MY KIDS.

I can’t even get a fucking return text from my ex, regarding coming to see them. 

YES…that makes me angry.

I know that I have issues, but I am not who I was when I left Michigan.

I can’t make any kind of anything, with no actual chance. I’m really tired of kissing ass, and being ignored. I don’t care if you think I deserve it or not.

Divorced people every day make situations way worse than this work, for the sake of their kids. 

Seriously.

Truthfully, at this point, I don’t even really know if I want to go see my kids anymore, or if I even should. I STRUGGLE WITH IT. According to the way my ex acts and how my kids don’t ever contact me… I feel like it’s just better to let them live their lives and let them think I’m the junkie, crazy mother I’ve been made out to be. I mean, I give up.

It’s true. I was totally loaded on Xanax after Karter left. I had to be; I was completely devistated; that’s why the doctor prescribed it. Half the time, I was being handed the pills. So yes, I’m very much guilty. I did in the end mix it with alcohol too, and I totally fucked everything up because of it. It wasn’t planned. I needed help, and I’m sorry for it.

I cannot apologize enough, or even put into words what it feels like to know I did those things, and can’t take it back, or make it better.. I punish myself every, single day; and always will. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.

My biggest regret is not thinking more of my children’s feelings, because I was too lost in my own despair to do anything but try to breathe and not die myself. I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO STOP IT FROM COMING.

Regrets….

I hope when my kids get to adulthood, they will understand that I am not the same now, as I was after their brother died. 

I used to call every night. Then it went down to once a week, then once every two weeks, now nothing. 

I can’t really expect anything, because I ruined everything. 

I am glad that my kids are happy, and I have to remember that that is the most important thing. 

My ex-husband is right about one thing. My kids ARE old enough to decide. 

If they don’t want anything to do with me, then there’s really nothing I can do.

I’ll continue to send them stuff on holidays and Birthdays. At least I’m good for that much. 

I pretty much figure that I ruin every single thing I touch. I don’t deserve my kids. 

Sucks having to admit that. 

Sucks grieving for three kids you carried, loved and pushed out of your body…when they are still alive. 

Sucks knowing that your ex does whatever he can to make sure that you stay away. Can you pick up the phone, or return a text? 

Because saying that I never called or tried, simply isn’t true. 

I hate myself every day for being too weak to keep my shit together and be a proper mother, Because I know I am a good mother when I’m not grieving and going insane, or drinking. AND I AM.

I haven’t drank for over three months.

I still feel like a loser for being me.  I miss my kids so much I can’t even think about it, because I get depressed and can’t cope. 

I wish they would love me again, and that they wanted me in their lives.

It’s not the case at all, and I’m just hurting today a lot because my family has for all intensive purposes shut me out, and given up on me. 

I just wonder how much someone has to change, to deserve some kind of love; some sort of chance to make it right.

I’m rambling. 

Maybe I don’t deserve it. I don’t think that’s true at all, but maybe.

I’m trying to love myself despite the fact that I wish I could just die already. 

I don’t know what I expected, but I surely never thought it’d be like this. 

Consequences of a sick mind I guess. FML. Apparently I’m not allowed to feel any certain way about it, because if I do; I’m selfish…and really I’m just a piece of shit drunk that abandoned her kids, and that’s all I’ll ever be… right?

FUCK OFF, and FUCK YOU.

Now I have to try to get myself in a better mood; and be strong, so as not to appear affected by any of it. 

Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be? STRONG? 

Yeah right. 

No worries…I’m on it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

12 thoughts on “I’m down and missing significant pieces of my life…still sober though, just getting shit off my chest…again.

  1. Then you keep calling every single night until they answer. You don’t give up. They are the kids, you are the adult. You need to act like the adult and show them you never gave up and you will never give up. Stopped trying two months ago? That’s all the effort you have? And you wonder why they think you abandoned them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Every time I talk to them, I tell them they can talk to me whenever they want to. It hurts a lot when I call every night because I always get no reply. I have tried. It’s never good enough, no matter how I do it. The fact that I put my kids through all of this shit because I went to crazy-Ville, is hard enough as it is to know I did, and try to make up for, but then you’ve got this genuine effort, that’s always met with NOTHING. at what point do I say, “listen, they don’t want anything to do with you”. It fucking hurts. And I don’t know what to do about it because my ex doesn’t want to see me in a good relation with my kids, because he hated me for being a shitty wife and an alcoholic, and pretty much everything about me, good or bad. I feel like I cannot win and the remorse I have is something I’m trying to deal with. Because it’s on many levels, and it’s all intertwined. I don’t want my kids to think, that I don’t love them. I also don’t want to cause issues in their life. I feel stuck because I’m their mom, and I failed them, and I know it, and it hurts. I don’t want to hurt them at all. I want to do the right thing for them. And also come to some sort of truce with my ex. You can say anything you want, but I don’t know what to do, and I’m sure nothing is going to be good enough anyways. I hate myself for hurting them, I hate that no one responds to anything I do to try to communicate. I hate that random people message me, and tell me “IM not a mother, I’m just a vessel.” At what point does it Stop. At what point can I forgive myself, and have forgiveness. Because I have no support here in making these kids understand at all, so I can explain to them that I need them in my life because I’m dying inside without them. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense to you, and I didn’t re-read it before posting so…I know I’m the adult. I thought to send my daughter her birthday gifts, and a card with my contact information, so that she has it directly on her hands. I want her to be able to decide wether or not she wants to contact me. Her brother too. I’m thinking writing is the way to go. I can’t Skype with them because it’s not allowed, and I never get any response by phone, text, or email. I don’t know if the number has even changed. There’s never any response.
      Idk. I just feel stuck.

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      • Also thank you for your comments very, very much. I appreciate it greatly, and that no sarcasm at all.

        Like

  2. I hope it gets better for you. Seriously you should not put communication responsibilities on kids. That’s not their job. They are the kids. As hard and as hurtful as it is for you, you need to be the one to continue to try to communicate and show/prove you are there. They owe you nothing. They are kids. Giving them your contact information is like saying, “Here, this is your job now.” That is only going to inflict guilt on top of all of the other issues they are dealing with. Really you need to keep calling, prove you are a constant presence, prove you are in control of your sobriety and your goal of being involved in their lives. That should all be on you, not them. Unless you are looking for an out because this is too hard and not worth it to you, that’s the only healthy option for the kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I did. It went as well as could be expected. I got through though. That was a big thing. I’m going to adult and I will be a good influence to them in the end. I owe them that, and so much more I can never make up for.

      Thank you for asking. And for telling it like it is, because I need to hear it.

      You helped me. I hope you know that.

      Enjoy your day, and thanks again.

      Like

  3. You will forever be their mom. No matter what has happened in the past, they will always love you and want a relationship with you. Only you can make sure they know they can count on you by always calling when you say you will and always showing up when you promise to do so. If there’s a chance you might not be able to call or might not be able to visit, don’t make those plans or promises with them. Tell their dad you are trying to get something together and if it doesn’t work, you aren’t hurting them with an unfulfilled promise. Sounds like their dad is trying to protect their hearts, not stopping a relationship with you. You can do it. Think through their eyes first to see how it feels. They love you. All kids want to be with their mom.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am guilty of those things, and that sucks to admit because… I never wanted to be that kind of mom at all. I never thought I was that kind really, until just the past few days.

      My plans and efforts have all been genuine…but there has been; yes; numerous times where my plans have not worked out the way I have wanted them to…and then I DO let my kids down. I did that to my eldest too when she was growing up. I did the exact same thing to her. 😦

      I can’t love anything more than my kids. They ARE the reason I’m still on this earth.

      I DO think some are born to mother, and some have to learn it due to the way they are made. THAT IS ME. I failed my kids big-time.
      I can be a good mother…but “I” would always have a lapse of some sort, at some point. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away because I was sick and when I was relapsing. I knew they were safe and happy and I was unstable. Then I finally realized that it wasn’t right… because I was CHOOSING to stay in my sickness, and not doing the things I needed to do on a daily basis to be well for them, so I COULD be worthy of a relationship and be a good influence.

      I can’t go back to this part of me ever again regarding the on and off relapsing, and the blaming absolutely every other thing except what it is, and it’s me being afraid of failing again, and messing up their lives more.

      I get totally how it feels to be in the middle, and also I know about what it feels like, to be a child in enviroment where alcoholics and alcohol, are a constant thing in your life, and the damage it has caused me personally. I DID NOT want that for them…but I WAS actively causing the same kind of damage to my kids, and have been further with the letdown and inconsistency…among other things too. THAT is my biggest regret.

      I can stop that cycle, I just need to do exactly what you said. Look through their eyes. See everything as they would see it. DON’T make promises I can’t keep.

      It’s time to be fixing all of this, OR making it as right as I can. I have to really do it because I owe them every single thing.

      I feel like I need to look past the disrespect from their father, and understand that not every single thing he says about me is true.

      The only thing that really matters is that I stay healthy, and do what’s right for my kids by staying that way, and staying around with the communication…so their healing can actually start.

      I thank you. I appreciate the kindness and your thoughts completely. You’re very right.

      Like

      • You’re on the right path. Stay on it no matter how difficult the terrain. Your kids are worth it!
        I’m wondering, since you’re not there and there dad is, do you think he is seeing/hearing/dealing with the pain/anguish/disappointment the kids are dealing with when it comes to their heartache for you on a daily basis? Can you see or understand how he must hurt for them? Can you see or understand how every time he hands them the phone he is probably thinking, “Please don’t promise to visit on her birthday like you did last year. She cried for weeks after that.” Or “Please don’t start bawling on the phone to him because then he thinks he did something wrong to make you cry.” Disrespect is never okay, that’s true. But the protective nature of a parent who has watched and is watching his children being hurt by someone again and again and again is fierce, and to be honest: rightfully so. Your change in behavior and your continued consistency that lasts not months, but YEARS, will also do wonders for the level of respect your ex shows you. If you hurt someone’s kids again and again and again, it’s not your past they are still angry at you about, it’s the right now. You are going to change more than just your relationship with your children if you stay the course.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes I do understand. He is doing for my kids, what I wish my mother would have done for me.

        I didn’t stop to think about his feelings much at all… Or my kids.

        Not at all like I should have.

        I was too busy dying inside and masking pain with other things that weren’t good.

        I’ve had good periods of time. But I’ve dropped the ball completely as a parent. I didn’t stop to think about him. I can also see why he is a good father, and why my kids are lucky he’s their dad.

        I don’t know who I’m talking to, but you’re completely right about it all.

        I used to see trying to make amends

        Like

      • I used to see making amends as a challenge, now I see it as a purpose. There’s lessons in this; and with time I’m gonna’ make it better, and I’m going to be a positive person in their life. I’m just going to do it.

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