I feel like I have to work harder on seeing people for who they actually are, and giving “actual” chances to let people into my life again.
Trust for me, is probably the hardest thing I struggle with. Once I lose it, it’s close to impossible to get back. I know it’s like that for most people, but I also don’t think most people generally just close up all together and stop everything because of it.
I was talking to my girlfriend from Tennessee today, and we both agreed that we don’t want to, and just can’t “people” on some days.
It’s totally true.
I prefer to be alone, when I’m not with T, because I know eventually I will have to most likely deal with some sort of something, that I don’t want to deal with….and it seems to always regard ME being hurt or pissed off in the end; in some fashion.
That’s how it’s been in real life for me lately.
This is what keeps me from engaging with people in general very much.
I go in stages, but mostly I just keep to myself. I think I need to find a way to change that; because it feels like I am living in my sickness and solitude sometimes, instead of enjoying life.
I don’t like that feeling at all.
Real life has other real living people in it. (Haha haha, I’m a fucking idiot, but yeah.)
I often feel like I am spread too thin, and that’s NOT having regular contact with people. I feel overwhelmed when it comes to socializing, and I never used to be like that before Karter left my life. Something along the path stopped me from being the outgoing person I used to be. I’m really trying to figure out ways that I can trust people again, and maybe get back to normal regarding that.
I think sometimes when you have felt like a victim for so long, you forget that you are NOT one anymore; and you forget that other people have actual feelings too, and are not all the same.
I know that people are not all the same. I still deal with the fear of potential fuckery though, I guess.
I’m just rambling, because it’s been bothering me a lot lately.
I don’t need or want a huge social life at all. I do need and want to make a few real-life female friends that I can connect with.
I don’t think it’s healthy that I am alone so much, because I feel so alone sometimes inside.
Funny how you can spue out your life to the world, and still feel alone.
I need to get my shit together and “people” more, for my own well being.
Hopefully I can manage it, without my fist accidently grazing someone’s face. (Sarcasm)
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME