Today I am 46 days sober and although I feel good about a great deal of things, some things I’m still working on for sure. Technically speaking though, one-and-a-half months is a nice start at something good, there’s no denying it; it’s good for today, and it’ll make me try harder tomorrow.
It has been very challenging at points and times for me, dealing with the anxiety of this stupid alcohol issue I have. It only comes when I think too far ahead, or if I’m overwhelmed by something major; which has happened lately to me…THOSE times. I wish I was numb because I’m losing it, is what I think to myself in times like that. BUT… Since I already know the outcome of relapse, because I’ve done it so many times before to myself; the actual physical act of drinking has not happened, will not be happening today, and hasn’t been a real problem for me in terms of me actually relapsing. The desire for reality is greater than my anxiety over not being able to suppress it, but still the feeling pops up at times… it’s there. MY reality is that I’m stupid when I drink and it makes my mind sick, so I can’t do it. That’ll just make it worse for me. That’s what I tell myself every day.
Although it takes more effort to deal with my life head-on, at least I know it’s real and true…and I am actually dealing with my issues and living.
I’m glad to be out of it.
NOW. I am a recovering alcoholic. Today, I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.
I know it’s a day to day thing, and that it’s not always going to be easy… but I’m just glad that I’m at a point where I know what’s what, what needs to be done to get there, and what I need for my life to feel secure and happy. I live it day to day, and I am doing it, despite the obstacles. It is confusing, painful and amazing, all at the same time sometimes; I know I have more to work on and go through, but for me, life just makes much more sense sober, and staying true to myself through it all without apologies..
I gotta’ say that I’m also extremely proud of my boyfriend as well, because he has stayed strong beside me, and stayed sober despite his own issues.
“Friends” trying to drag him back into the atmosphere have been texting again. The same “friends”talking down about the both of us directly, and trying to make him think negatively in general about his life with me… I’ve seen all the texts.
Unfortunately, it comes with being an outcast in general, which I’m used to, but also with the territory of living sober and change.
T and I decided a while back, that we were going to do this sobriety thing together; one last time the right way; and really fight for a healthy future together, because that’s what we both want, and alcohol doesn’t go with our brain chemistry…so it’s out. It causes too many issues for us as individuals and together when we drink it, therefore making our lives unmanageable. We aren’t drinking anymore or being around it. Alcohol has caused a lot of issues for us that wouldn’t have otherwise occurred if we had been sober.
We knew certain people would not be happy about it, if we took ourselves out of the enviroment; most exclusively “him” taking himself out of the enviroment. It messes up their normal agenda and routine. However, both of us think that being sober and together, is far more important than any kind of that petty bullshit that anyone could ever say about us, or any drink or drinking social situation there could ever be. It’s too hard right now to be in atmospheres that trigger. And everyone drinks. We are facing our issues together, because we don’t want to be without one another. So, the people on the outside of it all’s opinions don’t weigh in, because it’s not your relationship to weigh in on, period; and it’s not your life to keep managed or lived.
We are living healthy. What the fuck is the problem?
Equally important is, that T and I agreed that these “friends”, are really not true friends at all. If they were, they would act as such; they would support his wanting to get his life together; they would at least apologize for the open disrespect they’ve showed both of us multiple times, including on public forum; they would stop trying to stir the pot with negativity, when he is actively changing his life for the better, and he and I are happy.
I already know that I’m not given one shit about for sure…which I knew, but I’m equally as sure that these “friends” don’t want to see T ACTUALLY healthy and happy in the end, because their actions prove it.
Real friends don’t do that sort of shit. Words vs. Actions.
That being said; Stop texting…and find a new drinking buddy. He’s not coming around, because it’s not good for HIM, and he knows it. I didn’t make that choice for him, he did.
Also, stop being hateful, and trying to fuck up my relationship with your pettiness and jealousy. WE won’t have it.
So again, day 46…and I made it…WE made it.😳☺😌
It’s going to be a great day because I am able to see the silver lining of it all..
Don’t let anyone come in between you and your best.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME