Since my son passed, my mother always tells me when we talk, that I am a such a strong person.
Many times I feel like I let her down, because I don’t really feel so strong sometimes.
I wish I had a way to find the strength tonight, because I need some. It still surprises me just how bad those kicks to the gut really hurt…and it shouldn’t by now at all. Perhaps it’s because I thought I was worth more than that to you… Perhaps it’s because I’ve known for a while now that I’m not, just by your actions. This is my life, not a game.
I do know though, through my own personal struggles, that sometimes you just have to accept the fact that there are some instances that cannot be understood or fixed, and you have to move forward anyways.
I can only control myself, and I don’t have to put up with people hurting me anymore… and I WON’T.
At any rate, staying sober is the only thing on my agenda tonight because I am not about to Fuck my life completely up again.
I’m staying sober for ME tonight. And ME alone. At least I give a shit enough to be honest about that and with the ones I love.
Today marks a month sober for me.
I’m pissed off, and I’m out of herbal medication, so my anxiety is rocketing.
I do not know what tomorrow will be, but tonight I sit in the cemetery and think of my son.
He would be 12 this year. May 3rd…7 days away.
Something I cannot understand or fix…It haunts me still.
Have a good night.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME