Free Writing (off synthetic meds for two weeks now)(they never said it had to make sense to anyone but me…)

Almost every time I feel negative and depressed… I feel ashamed as well to talk or write about it. I very often delete or hide my writings/feelings, because I want to be a positive influence on the world and the people around me. Also because I want to be productive. I have made some big choices to try a more natural route for my Bipolar/PTSD/Depression…

I’m tired of having synthetic meds daily,  because they are causing other health issues for me. I’m tired of the stigma that says you have to take them to be well. I am no longer willing to be on meds that don’t even work, and cause even more health problems for me. NO. I have been off them for two weeks now, and so far it’s been rough…but better in that I don’t have the side effects I was having. I am actively trying to better my health, so I can reach the goals I have to reach OFF of daily synthetics. 

This is how I feel today….

Being a negative, depressed person for me is draining and not fun; also hard on everyone else…among many other things. It makes me feel weak as a person, even though I know that’s not true at all.

I struggle with life. “Failure to thrive.” I am in all sorts a rapid cycler Bipolar person with Bipolar Depression and a plethora of things that I’ve shit-stormed my way through that have qualified me for PTSD long before they ever diagnosed me with it. I know this.

What sucks most about it for me is, admitting that I’m having issues to the people I love.  I feel like I suck the life out of them. Another reason I try not to talk too much about how crummy I sometimes feel in real life. I know it still slips through. I can see it in the eyes of loved ones when they know without me saying anything.

But I STILL feel better off the synthetics.

When I’m feeling depressed/negative, I also hate the world around me, and the way the world is, and some people around me too that I have to deal with in life; I really do. And I don’t care.

Maybe I’m going to Hell if there is one.

When I am negative and depressed, I hate myself, and am always unhappy with the fact that I never seem to get very far (according to me), without some sort of mental lapse or issue arising, no matter how hard I try. Latest being school. I focus in on the fact that I’m feeling worthless and did not meet my goal, compare the space where I’m at and the space I think I should be at, and for some moments the negative takes over me. Sometimes days. I go into myself. It sets me back. Makes me think bad things about everything in life and myself… “I’m a Fuck up. Pisses me off I can’t make my shit work…why do I care …what’s wrong with me?”

You get the idea.

Enter symptoms of disorders.

I hate that I am sensitive and sometimes needy. I hate that I mostly feel like a little 6 yr old girl, in a 45 big girl body after all I’ve been through.

I hate that I feel like I try really really hard to move forward, and I just can’t get it done.

Sometimes I wonder what it will take for me to believe that I am worth happiness, and if I’ll ever truly have my life together.

I AM trying every day to find a way to my personal Zen, so I can finally be free of my demons for good and just fucking let it go already. Everything. Just let it go.

The thing about Depression, Bi Polar, PTSD, that I have personally found for myself is that all the negative thoughts and symptoms seem to meld together, and seep in at the most inopportune times. (As if there is a good time for negative, depressing thoughts and symptoms of disorders…pff, but mainly when I am stressed or feeling overwhelmed.)(A lot than not)(I do)

Everything runs together and I can’t take it.

It doesn’t take much time for me to pile up a plethora of BS in my head. This is why they call it a mental disorder. This is why I TRY to be positive.

I have come to the conclusion that I can control the thoughts, if only I do not let them control me.

That I do know.

The thing is, sometimes the negativity still comes.

It’s like I forget everything I’ve learned and have to start all over again, everytime.

I feel like I have some sort of cancer in my mind, and no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of it and it won’t stop destroying my life and everything that I am and want.

It’s a restless hopelessness. It’s a shame, and self-hatred. It’s the wishing you could buy into a “deluxe coma for a month” life option, because I’m sick of this ride.

I’m sick of it.

I’m writing about it… and I talked to my support system too. Because in doing it I am saving my own life. Nothing more. I am ready to get on with life again.

Today I am pulling myself out of this hole again, and cutting out some more negativity I think I have in my life that needs to be out.
I am doing little things for myself such as exercise, drinking more water, getting fresh air and loving myself enough to know that I CAN choose to be happy. And keep trying because I can do better. I’m also blogging This blog.

This life is not easy for me, but I know I could have it so much worse and that it is up to me to save myself.

I am grateful I have some people in my life to help me when I feel like giving up.

I actually feel glad that I got it out in words and that I know that today is today, and today is what I choose to make of it. 

I don’t know what I just wrote, but I feel better. And maybe someone out there will get it.  

Love Yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

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