Sometimes I feel full of life, and sometimes I feel totally, completely empty.
That’s the best way to describe it I guess.
It’s not that I don’t care; it’s that I care too much, so I simply shut off sometimes to preserve my sanity.
It’s not so much a problem for me, as it is for the people in my life around me.
It can come off as cold and indifferent because even though I’m hearing what you’re saying, the words aren’t getting in; my brain is tired.
I guess that’s one of the difficult things about me. It’s just how I am. It is years of internalizing and different forms of abuse I’ve had to power through. It’s a straight-up coping mechanism, nothing more.
I’m learning to let the people I love IN, when I feel like this now. Because in me not sharing how I feel in the emptiness, I’m inadvertently causing small rifts, and pushing people away. Rifts can grow as well, and I know this all too well.
I know I need to change some regarding this piece of me, because I don’t want this; but it is all I can do not to run and isolate every time.
I am used to the emptiness. I am used to being and feeling alone. But it’s not what I want.
I never have.
I am very fortunate to be with someone who understands this about me, and appreciates the fact that I am trying. He makes me want to try harder.
Words can’t really express what it’s like to know there is someone I can depend on, and that I am not alone anymore. There is someone there to hold me when I cry. There is someone that sees me for me, flaws and all and isn’t afraid; Wants to stay…won’t abandoned me.
It makes changing for the better and feeling whole again possible.
To you I say Thank you Love. Thank you for being you, and Thank you for allowing me to be me. I would do anything for you, and it will always be.
Today I feel full of life…And it’s because of you T. Never forget what you mean to me.
J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me