I had such a great day. I was beginning to think it only happened to everyone else, but nope; it came to me on this day, as it sometimes does when I work hard. 🙂
I got to speak to my children tonight. 🙂 We had actual conversations. Lol. I’m SO happy. I was just completely beside myself with excitement and joy.
Before I used to call, but it was when I could no longer go without their voices anymore. I used to force myself not to call, because I was told that my daughter was suffering from anxiety and having trouble over it when I did. Also because sometimes I tend to get very emotional when on the line; and I didn’t want to screw them up more, or their lives. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying away. I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it for very long; because it hurt too much…what I lost…and what I just gave away because of my issues and addictions. Funny how you can block out some things when you can’t deal. Funny how you can call yourself a mother when you can’t even be there for them in real life, or even call. The things we sometimes tell ourselves to cope.
Hearing them tonight made me realize just how long it’s been since I’ve seen or held them in my arms. One-and-a-half years. It was a sad feeling; but also a feeling that I should change that fact, and I would and will. I resolved to making a commitment to my children like I should have done in the first place. I’m calling for sure at least once a week again…No matter what. It’s the most reasonable thing to do until I get a car in June and can get back to see them. I’ve focused on my own life because I knew I needed to and I knew they were being well taken care of; I didn’t have to worry about them in that way. But I dropped the ball as a mother in so many ways; it’s really time to start trying to find a way to make it better…not perfect…but better.
I’m so happy to be able to talk to them again, and that’s a start. And I’m grateful to my ex-husband for letting me talk to them. I have to give him props for protecting them, and always putting them first. We haven’t always agreed on much of anything; but I think seeing it from his position, he was just being a good father. I was ruining my own life, and dragging my feet. It’s not until he told me I couldn’t speak to them that I decided no more. Thank you for that. It was the fire and motivation I needed to let go of all remaining people in my life that did not have my best interests in mind. It needed to happen.
Talking to my kids was definitely the highlight of my day.
In other news, another kitty found a home. Kato ❤
Now I have only one left who is getting a home sometime soon with a friend of a friend.
So my plan regarding my cat loves is working out. I will end up with only two cats..which is what I wanted. Hahaha.
Also my final submission for my post production class is finished, in and on time. I know I’m going to get a good grade on it. I also worked my ass off for it. I have two days now to breathe until the next period starts. And breathe I will because I’m not smoking anymore.
I was also asked to reconsider modeling again. It was a good conversation and got me to thinking about a lot of things. I had put it on the back burner. In the spring I will start making plans again for it. I’ll have the winter to work my ass out, and I’ll be able to actually meet the goal because I will have a car to get places and no one will be able to stop me. More on that later.
This is getting wordy so I’ll leave it at that.
Here’s the little update. Hopefully I’ll have some more time to blog in the coming up days.
Bottom line is I’m sticking with my plan because it’s working, and I’m thriving.
I am 42 days sober….Again. I intend to make it stick.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peace of me