Re-reading Past Writings

Something I decided to share because I’m healing.  I’ve been going over a lot of my writings from past years. So much dark and hurt and heavy. It’s hard to read. I believe if I didn’t have my writing I would have slit my throat, overdosed, or hung myself. I know I would have. Grief can kill you if you don’t get a handle on it. For me, that’s what I had to do. I still have bad times of course, but mostly life is slowly starting to even out. Opting out is no longer an option for me; and I’m able to recover more quickly from my “moments”. (Usually) Medication helps.

Sometimes you come across certain things, that I believe you’re supposed to see for a reason. I have battled with myself and my faith since I learned what “God” was, or what they said he was supposed to be.

This is one of my many letters to “God”.

Not sure what it means that I saw this. Perhaps nothing at all. Perhaps it’s to remind me of how far I’ve come…or where I need to go.

I’m not really sure how it works.

??
What about me?
What about how I hurt inside?

Isn’t it enough to know I struggle everyday? Isn’t THAT enough for you???

What about my feelings? My weaknesses? My triggers? My little boy, burned up and sitting in a box, on a shelf, that YOU took away?

Doesn’t it matter that I want to be well and become better and forget?

Doesn’t any of it matter at all?

It matters to me.

And I don’t even know what this life means anymore.

You abandoned me when I needed you the most.

I don’t believe you exist or ever did.      (2010)

I think it is a very normal feeling to struggle with your faith after you’ve been through something that will forever change you and leaves a massive void.

I’m not going to go on about “God”, or lack there of. I think religion is a personal journey; much like life.

This just made me remember and cry. I remember those times. It was still fresh, and the feelings bit at me every waking moment.

It has been a very long, very hard 8 years. I still ask all of those questions on a bad day.

I needed to see this. I needed to remember; and I needed to share it. That that was then, and this is NOW.

Now is so much better. I also know the answers to most of those questions too.

Believe in and love yourself. It lies within you. The rest follows.

I am grateful for my life.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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