Confessions of a Mental Mother

I am proud of my children. They are simply strong and amazing.

They have had to endure so much.

For a long while I was so lost in my own spiral down, that I never even stopped to think about what they were feeling inside and what I was doing to them. They lost their brother. They have had  to deal with a less than, mental, addiction-prone mother. They had to go through a divorce, and all those feelings that no kid should have to go through or place at all.

Strong and amazing kids. All three of them.

How selfish I can be.

Some secrets…

I got pregnant in highschool and I was 17 when I had my first daughter. My mother raised my eldest daughter until she was 13 years old, because I would not be, and didn’t know how to be, a proper mother.  She then lived with me and my ex husband for about 3 years, and then went to live with her father, because I couldn’t deal with my own teenage daughter. She’s 27 now, and amazing.

My ex husband and his wife are now raising my youngest two; 9 and soon to be 15; because I lost it after my son passed, and AGAIN could not deal, and left Michigan.

Although I love my children more than anything, I for all intensive purposes “gave up.” And I gave up on my children just the same.

Technically, it’s the truth.

What a shitty mother.
I did have good intentions, I didnt want to hurt them anymore, but what a shitty mother just the same.

Tonight I talked to my youngest daughter and I realized just how grateful I am, that they are doing well, and that they have a good father. They have a good step-mother too, and are thriving; for that I couldn’t  be happier.

I wonder what it would have been like, had I not left at all, and I was still in their lives every day.

I know now that it is something I can only wish for when they are older and have their own independence. I don’t think it’s right to try to do anything that’ll cause them uneeded stress.

I hope they know that despite my issues and shortcomings, THEY are the reason I’m trying so hard to make my life work in a healthy way.

I hope some day things will be better and I can offer their lives something positive.  I also hope they know that they are my very favorite things in this world, and I will always love them unconditionally, as they love me.

I miss them; and I’m proud tonight of how great they are; and I’m so sorry.

The things we do sometimes to the people we love, and ourselves. Meh. This is something I wish I could take back every day.

I know I can’t.

Tomorrow is another day.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me

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