I am proud of my children. They are simply strong and amazing.
They have had to endure so much.
For a long while I was so lost in my own spiral down, that I never even stopped to think about what they were feeling inside and what I was doing to them. They lost their brother. They have had to deal with a less than, mental, addiction-prone mother. They had to go through a divorce, and all those feelings that no kid should have to go through or place at all.
Strong and amazing kids. All three of them.
How selfish I can be.
I got pregnant in highschool and I was 17 when I had my first daughter. My mother raised my eldest daughter until she was 13 years old, because I would not be, and didn’t know how to be, a proper mother. She then lived with me and my ex husband for about 3 years, and then went to live with her father, because I couldn’t deal with my own teenage daughter. She’s 27 now, and amazing.
My ex husband and his wife are now raising my youngest two; 9 and soon to be 15; because I lost it after my son passed, and AGAIN could not deal, and left Michigan.
Although I love my children more than anything, I for all intensive purposes “gave up.” And I gave up on my children just the same.
Technically, it’s the truth.
What a shitty mother.
I did have good intentions, I didnt want to hurt them anymore, but what a shitty mother just the same.
Tonight I talked to my youngest daughter and I realized just how grateful I am, that they are doing well, and that they have a good father. They have a good step-mother too, and are thriving; for that I couldn’t be happier.
I wonder what it would have been like, had I not left at all, and I was still in their lives every day.
I know now that it is something I can only wish for when they are older and have their own independence. I don’t think it’s right to try to do anything that’ll cause them uneeded stress.
I hope they know that despite my issues and shortcomings, THEY are the reason I’m trying so hard to make my life work in a healthy way.
I hope some day things will be better and I can offer their lives something positive. I also hope they know that they are my very favorite things in this world, and I will always love them unconditionally, as they love me.
I miss them; and I’m proud tonight of how great they are; and I’m so sorry.
The things we do sometimes to the people we love, and ourselves. Meh. This is something I wish I could take back every day.
I know I can’t.
Tomorrow is another day.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me