I will let it go, because I can’t hold on to it anymore.
I’ve learned great lessons about not giving up, and truly looking at myself and trying to change for the better these last years.
Many times I felt my world would end, and that too many things were happening around me that I could not control; because it was true.
I was scared some in the beginning when I had to survive on my own; but then I learned that in the end, I am the only one that can take care of myself.
I knew when I was at my very lowests points….that I would be ok because I was struggling badly for a long time, but there was always something that made me try again. I started building slowly.
That’s what happens when you were married for 13 years and your son passes and you try to hold it together, but fail everyone around you miserably, and leave.
About a year. About one year with medication I was able to keep it together. I was there, but I wasn’t at all.
No one talked to me about my sons’ death. I internalized it because I literally felt a panic constantly and a deep void in me when he left. A fog. Add addictive personality on top of it, and I didn’t know anything anymore. Nothing.
The people around me that care about me know that I am damaged for many reasons, but they listen and appreciate me.
I really appreciate it because I know I matter anyways now. I didn’t know it much a few years back.
I can’t go back and change it, and sometimes I wish I could. But I have to think no matter what I am stronger and wiser; because it’s true.
I think Heaven and Hell are here on this Earth. You find both depending on where you look and what you seek. Don’t give up.
J.Rounds (c)2016 ~Peaces of Me