Deep rooted trauma has screwed me up.
It replays like a record and sometimes takes up much of my day, even week; consuming all thoughts and sucking up any motivation I may have had to get anything done.
For me, from what I’ve been able to understand through the healing process, it is something that really will never go away; but I can manage it to the point where it no longer becomes a primary focus in my life.
I am no Dr. Firstly.
But I have been coping for some time now with multiple hard traumas; to the point that I had to make some hard decisions and try to start actively trying to get better, or I was going to lose anything Jenny I ever knew and that ever was me.
One of the biggest things I did, was to acknowledge that I could not change my past. It sounds so cliche` and obvious to most when you say that I know. The past is the past… it’s of course, obvious.
For someone like me who struggles with PTSD, it’s something I have to consciously tell myself; daily.
Sometimes we want so badly to change past events; that we punish ourselves in the process because we think replaying it will produce a different outcome; or perhaps a different way of making sense of what happened. There’s always that one thing we could have done differently to change what the outcome ultimately was; even though it was already pretermined and it was going to go down the same way, no matter what. Some things you just cannot change, no matter what. I do know that now.
Regarding my son; he is gone and I can’t change that fact. I did everything I possibly could have done to save him. I did everything I possibly could have done.
I don’t know where Karter is; but I do know he’s not suffering anymore; and there’s nothing I could have done differenty to save him. I tried with everything that was me.
I still replay his last day and death in my head, every day; but I know now there’s nothing I could have done. The things I tell myself about it that make me think otherwise…aren’t true.
That realization in itself I think is one of the biggest break throughs I have made, in the past eight years.
For a while there, I was literally driving myself crazy playing that record.
That record finally got a huge scratch in it; so I put it in it’s sleeve and put it in a special place where I can see it when I need to.
I still look at it too often; I can’t help it; but I’m trying to play other records now.
There’s other music to play.
J.Rounds (c) 2016 ~Peaces of Me