I look back at my life over this last year and I see just how far I’ve come. It’s crazy.
Last November, I was really hurting; a complete mess. I was a barely functioning addict/alcoholic. If you want to call it that. I think that’s just me being nice to myself. I was bad. I was trying to keep myself from going off the deep end and ending it all, as I was beyond emotionally and physically ill. I was in and out of a highly emotionally abusive, online relationship. I was not formally diagnosed with PTSD then, only Bi-polar. I was not in any kind of therapy/treatment, or on any kind of medication. I was only self-medicating; and I was doing it too often.
Last year at this time, I had just moved to this new state (PA) on a whim to try to find some sort of healing and new, better opportunities for myself. Four days after getting here, I was forced to move into a complete stranger’s house after being raped by the man I originally came to help; because I had no other option.
I was without a plan B. No money. No apt. No car. No job. No nothing.
I don’t feel bad for admitting it, because it is true. I had nothing, and I felt like a nothing; EVERY DAY. I had NO hope at all.
Those are a totally different set of stories that I won’t go into now, but at a later date.
This was one year ago……..
Today, I feel like a totally different person.
I’m formally diagnosed now with PTSD. I’m on medicine, in therapy, in school, have a small job for extra money. I have a car I can use whenever I want; my own apartment. My health is decent. The Number one thing is that I’m sober, and working every day to stay that way. I don’t take my sobriety for granted. I actively try every day to be well.
I’ve opened up and started to talk about my life through my writing, in hopes of helping others that struggle. I have let go of my abusive relationship, and the hold it had over me. I am starting to form good habits and positive self-talk, instead of negative.
I will be moving back to be with my children, and start to repair those relations in April.
I am hopeful.
I still have my bad days and I still struggle with some emotions; it’s a given. I’m not “magically better”. But I am finally starting to do some of the things I set out to do; and I am accomplishing goals I set for myself. I know that no matter what happens, I will be OK. It’s as if a lot of the weight of the past has been lifted off of me; the fog is starting to lift; and the rainbow is coming out again. I’ve learned so much, and I have never been more motivated to learn more. I am proud of myself for putting in the work I had to; to find my way through the dark times and back to reality again. It has all been worth it. I was worth it.
People that know me and are close to me, know what I’ve been through; and they can see it. My mother just told me tonight how proud of me she was, and I cried.
This was probably the most beautiful gift she could have ever given me. She just said it out of the blue and meant it. I’ve always wanted to hear those words from her, and it made me really happy.
It makes me want to try harder.
I know if I can stay sober, I can do just about anything I want to do in life.
Helping others will be my main goal, just as people helped me.
I know life sometimes may seem horrible and hopeless; but it doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be.
J. Rounds (c)2015 ~Peaces of Me