Safety is a 6 Letter Word

If I had one wish for myself, I think it would be to feel safe. I never have felt that way, not even when married; I am always just on the edge of calm and nervousness.

It would be nice to some day be able to drift over into the full calm mode and not constantly be looking over my shoulder or sleeping with one eye open.  I guess that’s why I fight sleep so hard and have to take this Minipress for my dreams.

It sucks to need medication to be normal, and it scares me to know I won’t be without it; and that I will have to depend on it the rest of my life. It is something I struggle with for various reasons; and I wish I wouldn’t think about it so much. I am sure I can manage to fake normalish without it; its the “for how long” part that scares me most.

It’s the only thing that makes me sleep completely. And the only time I really feel safe because I can’t feel anything at all.

Ha! It’s the truth, how messed up is that? Rhetorical.

Today was kind of a messed up day for me because I had a lot to deal with. But I managed to stay sober, and I’m confident I’m on the right path to staying that way.  Again.

“Love Without Limits, Fight Without Fear.”   It is my personal mantra that is tattooed on my arm; and I am living it literally every, single, day.

I can do it, I know I can. Maybe I wasn’t meant to feel safe. Maybe this is all one great, big, giant dream and I’ll wake up. I don’t know.

I have to believe it’s for something.

Until tomorrow, love yourself; you are worth it.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me


3 thoughts on “Safety is a 6 Letter Word

  1. When I first got clean, I was so pissed they were saying I was an addict so I couldn’t use, but they were going to put me on a drug.
    Now I am totally fine with taking meds, because I know how awful i am with out them. There is a DNA/gene test that some mental health providers have. You should ask your Psych. Dr. about it. It tells you what meds work best, or for me it told the Dr. that my meds weren’t working because I wasn’t getting enough folic acid. When it comes to pain, I am willing to do what ever it takes to make it stop. I love you and am so proud of you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love you too. And Thank you for telling me about the test. My meds seem to be working o.k.. I guess it’s just the idea that I’m not strong without them. It’s in my head that I still see it as a disadvantage. I still hear the ridicule from people that use to be close to me in my ear saying I’m weak. I need to make peace with it. I have some more work to do on that. BTW, I’m proud of you also. You inspire me every day. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

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