I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.
I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.
When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.
I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.
I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.
Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.
It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.
At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.
Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS. Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.
I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.
My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.
I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.
OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.
Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.
J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me