Day 6

I think one of the biggest disservices I do to myself, is putting too high of expectations on the people close to me, as well as myself.

I set myself up for disappointment every time. Especially when I should know better by now.

When certain individuals let me down I feel hurt; and if it continues to happen, I harbor resentment and have a hard time letting it go.

I do the same to myself when I let myself down, or others.

I guess I expect a certain level of loyalty and I like to give the same. It’s safe to say that I need to stop expecting this.

Depending on others to do what they say is never a good idea. In fact, I do much better when I detach and focus on just me. Maybe selfish; but beats feeling alone when you are around or with someone. The lack of love I feel from certain individuals is bringing me down tremendously.

It should be there; and it is not. I’m tired of worrying about it and wondering what’s wrong with me.

At least if I let myself down, the only person I have to be mad at is me.

Karter’s D day was this month and I relapsed; after 2 months 22 days. It was a bad, bad night for me and I couldn’t see the light any further. I ended up blabbering to a random acquaintance all my BS.  Because I’m an idiot, and my own worst enemy.

I’ve been sober since, but that’s not the point at all. This whole month has been a dreadful, lonely shit storm.

My PTSD is flaring up and it won’t subside. I went to the psychiatrist today and told him; and all he did was put me on more minipress and tell me that I have to wait a full three months for the Latuda to fully build up in my system; tried to up my Trileptal, which I didn’t want. Fuck these synthetic meds.

I know this will pass, but the lack of being able to share the struggle with anyone whom I love is just making it worse. I guess I’m just too needy; and I wonder if I will always be sick.

OR maybe I just might be human. I don’t know.

Today is day 6 and FML. I’m going to bed.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

funny_love_quotes_for_him_tumblr_i7_large_by_kate0000-d50x0ay

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s