Every day you have opportunity to grow. I am forced to look beyond my stupid, little world tonight; and to fully recognize what I have truly done to my children’s lives; when I left Michigan to come to Pennsylvania, to be well.
I knew I needed to leave Michigan, firstly. I was doing deliberate, compulsive things to hurt myself in many ways. I was walking streets alone at night at 2-3 am in the morning; highways even; miles and miles a night, with no regards for my safety at all. I was walking past the funeral home where my son’s service was held, almost every night; looking into the windows when they were closed; in hopes I’d see my dead son roaming the halls, and that maybe I could communicate with him. I was in active addiction on and off; but mostly on. I was starving myself on purpose; I lost over 100 pounds. I was not in counseling or on any kind of medication at all. I was involved with people I had no business being around at all, because they were shady and up to no good. I effectively destroyed and disengaged completely from anyone important in my life and started to isolate. I was highly suicidal and started formulating plans and scenarios in which to fulfill it; writing suicide letters and making final suicide videos. I was in effect, going crazy.
I did not know that I was suffering from, nor was I diagnosed with, PTSD at that time. All I knew was that I did not want to continue down the road I was going on and if I did not get out, I would die. I did not want to.
After moving to a childhood friend’s house for a bit, I decided it was best for me to come to PA to try to get my life back together again, for my kids and for myself.
I always thought, that if my kids knew I loved them, that I would be able to keep a relationship with them, as if I had never even left. I don’t why I thought this at all; surely it was a lie I told myself to keep from feeling the devastation of them not being in my life anymore on a frequent basis, as they had been before.
This was not the case.
By coming to Pennsylvania for a better, more peaceful life; and not having the means to travel back and forth to them accordingly; I have myself; cut off any real relationship that I could have had with them. This was not originally what I intended to do, but it IS what has happened.
I learned tonight that both my children are struggling with issues regarding me not being around, to the point that it is affecting their health. It is devastating to me to know I have done this to them.
I also learned that by saying I was moving back, but then deciding not to; that I made it even worse; to the point that my kids feel they aren’t loved by me at all. All the calls in the world and the I love yous, can’t change these facts; OR take away that damage; because I am not there.
Sometimes when I think I am doing the very best I can do, it comes into light that I am not; at all. These latest things that were explained to me tonight have made me understand clearly that I have some hard choices to make; and some work to get done to make it happen. I question how I could not have realized it myself; but I think that sometimes things just fall into place when they need to; and it was now I needed to know.
Every choice you make in life directly impacts not only yourself, but most often many others around you as well. As much as you may think you are doing what’s best for all involved; you can inadvertently be doing more damage than you even are aware of.
I did not intend to hurt my children. In fact, my children are the most beautiful people I know in my life and the most precious to me. So now I intend to form a plan to show it.
I do not regret coming to Pennsylvania to find my soul again. I am stronger than ever before and I know I have it in me to achieve great things in life. I do however regret that I did not think it through enough, and that my children got caught in my wake, once again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures and I hope they will forgive me one day.
I will be going back in the Spring to Michigan, to start over ONE more time. This time I will follow through. I will show my children that they are loved; and that I am a better mother now, for having come out here.
They deserve the world; and that’s all that matters to me. I am grateful they have someone in their life that is loving them as their own as well. I’m also grateful she took the time to speak with me tonight directly. It
was what I needed to hear for sure.
J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me