DAY 47. Confessions in clarity. Free writing.

It’s sometimes really hard to leave behind pieces of your life that you were comfortably familiar with and depended on for so long.  Even if they were mostly just lies you told yourself to keep yourself in the dark and safe, believing in a wish on a star; or if you’d just stop thinking about it hard enough, the situation would go away, or get better somehow.

Growth I’ve found is mostly painful, It really is; embarrassing sometimes too.  It’s a stark moment of realization, something you can no longer deny.  For me, it has usually been followed by regret and a sorrow that I can’t really even put into words no matter how much I try; but I will try to right now.

My biggest problem is that I’m stubborn; and I don’t like to admit defeat, or that I’m wrong; never have. Even if it is so apparent that it becomes a speeding train, on a train track straight off a cliff into the abyss; I’m going down with said train.

Another fun fact about me is that I am also a dreamer.  I know right?  Coupled together that equals= I am good at lying to myself; and in certain instances and situations, others around me as well.

I’ve done this pretty much my whole life.  It started out when I was small; and I used it as a way to protect myself against some things that were happening to me in my childhood that I could not control or makes sense of.  I put myself in another place; a protection of sorts; because I had to or I never would have survived, emotionally speaking. When you have an abusive or disfunctional childhood, such as myself, you will do just about anything to keep the peace in yourself; at any cost or circumstance.  Even if that means tricking yourself into thinking it’s love or that nothings wrong.  It becomes all about avoiding potentially harmful situations, and making life for yourself, as normal as is possible; despite what is actually happening around or to you; because you can’t get out of it.   At the time I had no other option.  I did what I had to do to get through it, because that’s the way I am made.

Lately, the more I’ve started to look back and reflect on my life; I’ve realized It has stuck with me, and I’ve carried this skill with me throughout my entire life; and I didn’t even consciously know it until just a bit back. Even when it was apparent to others. Sometimes it has even carried over into creating confusion and hurt for other people.  Otherwise known as “shady”; and that’s a hard pill to swallow, and not something that’s very cool to openly admit about yourself.

When you lie to yourself or avoid the obvious, you can pretty much justify anything to yourself,  if you try to hard enough.  You can hurt a lot of people too; and I have throughout my life, unfortunately; however unintentional I thought it was.  I think that’s why it’s so hard for some people to see me changing and growing in myself. They still see me as the person I was, and not the person I’ve grown and am growing to become.

I’m not a bad person.  I never have been.  At the core of me, I’m compassionate, kind and loving. I always have been these things.  But the other side of me can be very spiteful and vindictive, selfish and mean; mostly when in active addiction, or when I feel severely threatened by something or someone.  I don’t like this part of me at all; even though it has literally kept me alive.  It’s not something I really like to feed anymore. This is the main  reason I decided to change; and also to be so candid in my life experiences, and what makes me tick.  I’m hoping that I can somehow save someone from going down the road I have; because it’s been a very long, very hard, hard road to go down. I have walked it mostly in the shadows of my head alone; and have been extremely self-loathing for most of my adult life because of it.

Some people have called me a pathological liar as I’ve mentioned before. It was initially hurtful, I won’t lie.  It hurt because it is also completely false.

Yes, I have lied straight out before. I own it fully and outright. Right now.  I do not, however,  go around making up grandiose stupid things about myself to make myself look better; or lie so people will feel sorry for me and give me attention. I don’t continually talk about myself like no one else exists; nor do I not care how others feel.   So, with those facts established, I also don’t fall into the pathological liar category; thank you very much.

As I’ve also said before; I have gotten attention my entire life, Two-thirds of it has been negative. Some of it has been self- induced, very much so. MOST of it has been directly from other people trying to tell me how I am not good enough; how I should be, and what I am doing wrong to not meet their needs.  Please don’t be mistaken in these facts.

I have been in many situations throughout my life, that I’ve had to lie so I didn’t get my ass beat; OR lied because I’ve done something compulsive and I didn’t want to lose the something or someone, or cause any more damage to the person.  It wasn’t right; and I know it. This is why I started to tell the truth about everything.  This is why I am on medication. This is why I am in therapy. This is why I’m making a conscious effort to be thoughtful with my actions before I do act; and am growing in a positive way.  I am sorry if this offends some of you, or isn’t “good enough”.

I can’t take back the past. I also haven’t been a totally horrible person my whole life at all; and saying I have been, doesn’t make it true.

So, I am now building on the good parts of me I know to be there and true; because I want to do some good in the world for what it is worth; and get the respect back of my children, who matter most in this world to me.

I’m not a perfect person at all, I am just me, Jenny.

I will tell you though that I am trying to live my life in the most honest way I can now. You can’t carry around as much regret as I have and expect to change without getting real.  I knew that some time back; and I’m glad I finally started taking the steps to finally move forward, in a good way.

People DO change; especially when they want to.  If my past mistakes make me a bad person in your eyes, I really apologize; but it’s no longer my issue. I HAVE to move forward and forgive myself.

In my eyes now, I’m proud to be me. I’m glad I’m finally coming to a point in my life where I can leave all of the past BS, lies, and hurt behind; and move forward to a place where I can be happy and love myself for the person I have become and am still becoming.

Stay true; stay you; and never stop being the best version of yourself you can be.

J. Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me

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