ME

I’m just me.

For a long time I tried to deny it.
I was ashamed because I struggled with many things in my life and in myself and for most of my life I tried to mask that fact. It’s always shown through.

The funny thing is that no matter how hard I tried to bend and fold and conform to the ideals of others, the more I felt dead inside; the more I pulled away from life and the people around me in it.

I tried to kill that feeling of loneliness, my entire life.

I’m not a perfect person at all.  I’m sure you all know this.  I have struggled with many things that the average person probably hasn’t and that’s not a lie, that’s just the truth.

I’m sure that many think I’m just a whiny bitch who is full of herself. Maybe I was and sometimes am.

O.K.

The truth of the matter is I don’t care what anybody thinks about me anymore and I don’t because there’s no point in it.

I am just me.

I can fake it like a champ, but inside sometimes I’m a fucking mess and no one knows it at all. I’m being me because if I don’t, there’s just no point to any of it at all. I made that decision a while back; I got tired of hiding it.

I’ve been called out, cyber bullied, bullied in real life, hurt physically and mentally; traumatized from it. I’ve hurt myself physically in many ways as well as others. I’ve lost a son, not cared at all about myself. I’ve went crazy, cared too much, shut down, pimped myself, hated God, beat a few men’s asses, been in jail for dui, gone to rehab 4 times, psych wards 5 times, been totally drugged up by Dr.s on prescription meds. I’ve been a coke head, speed head, pill head, alcoholic; ruined my chances for ever running for president (wtf)!! I’ve stood on my roommate’s car in the garage with a rope around my neck ready to freaking jump.

Every bad thing you could think of short of murder, and fucked up stuff I’d never do because I have a soul and integrity, at the end of the day I did and was all of it.

I’m still here bitches.

For every bad thing about me there’s something good as well, and I’d say for sure more good than bad. I don’t care what anyone says about it; If you knew ME, you’d know.

I got tired of feeling the pressure of others and feeling like I should punish myself because I never have had what I really needed in life. That was honesty; protection from people who hurt me when I was small; someone to talk to me when I felt scared; someone to give a shit about me the way that I gave a shit about them for once;  someone to hear me when I spoke; someone to tell me I was O.K. just the way I was.

Real love.

Everything I’ve learned I’ve learned myself. I’ve lived it. I didn’t know any other way BUT to. Just like you, it’s my personal journey.

I think It’s really sad when people judge others that struggle with issues that cause them to lose themselves, and have to fight their way back again.

Those kinds of people are the strongest kinds of people in the world and true hero’s of the human race, in my opinion.

Many people aren’t afforded the same kinds of circumstances in life, and every single person has their own story.

This is mine.

I love all the people who truly care about me because it helps me to be a better person in the end. There are many people I talk to every day that struggle. There are many that come to me and tell me their stories and experiences. I appreciate those people because it helps me to know I’m not alone. It gives me a different perspective on my reality. It helps me grow in spirit and self; to try harder.

For what it’s worth, I know I’m a handful. I always have been because that’s the way I was made.

I am just me.

I hope to some day get to the point where I can get all my thoughts down in a proper format, so that at the very least when I die I will have documentation of it, and my family will be able to understand me; also my kids will know that their mother loved them, even though she struggled and had to leave to protect them from her illnesses.  I haven’t been many places in my life, but I’ve been to hell and back; many times; that’s why I’m not afraid of it; I’m ready to go when it happens for me.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know in sharing my struggles with others that I have helped people. It has freed me to say the very least too, despite the loneliness I have felt inside. I am getting better and it makes me not afraid to be myself and pursue my goals.

If you’ve ever looked in the mirror and avoided your own stare you have some work to do. I know.

No one should have to feel ashamed of the person they are. The thing I learned the hard way is that if you can’t love yourself and who you are, there’s no one else that can love you enough.

I’m lucky. I figured that out finally. I’m still alive. I have a chance to try another day and for once I’m happy about that; I’m excited.

For once, I’m just me, and I’m O.K. with that.

©J Rounds 2015~Peaces of me

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