As some of you may know already, as I’ve said it many times; I was adopted by my stepfather and didn’t find out until I was 13 years old. I pretty much figured it out all on my own, and my parents really had no other option but to tell me the truth, and they did… Very reluctantly, I might add.
There is something to be said about finding out that every adult figure in your entire family, basically kept you in the dark from the moment you could remember. I still struggle with this fact. I was angry for a very long time about it, but really it was more because I realized how I was treated differently by my step-father growing up, as opposed to my sisters, who are his real children. Very much of it was not good and abusive. It became a sadness I carry with me still, to this very day.
When I was younger, in my teenage years, I dreamed of my real father. I dreamed of him coming to see me, telling me he missed me and that he wanted a relationship; and to have a chance to be my father and in my life again. I was very lost as a teenager. My mother worked all the time to support me and my sisters. I love her for that; she is a very strong woman, and showed me that you can do anything you put your mind to. I did not realize OR appreciate that back then. It is only when I look back on it now that I truly realize what she has done for me. She also mainly raised my eldest daughter up until the age of 13, because I was not ready to be a mother and was not stable enough emotionally to do so alone. I will always be grateful for this fact. If not for her my daughter would belong to another family; as I was going to give her up for adoption because I knew I was not ready for that responsibility.
I tried to ask my mother about my real father some back then. It would always make her upset and she spoke not highly of him at all; which would make me upset, and so I simply stopped asking. I continued to hope that maybe some day I would get the chance to meet him, and to ask him why he never came for me or wanted to be in my life.
As the years passed and I became an adult my life got pretty hectic because I was dealing with caring for a multiply disabled child who was very sick, as well as my other children. My father got pushed to the back of my mind because there was no time to do anything but be a mom and a half-ass wife, of my now ex husband.
After my son passed in 2008, I remember my mother telling me that she had found some information on my real father and wanted to tell me about him. At that time I was grieving, and my mother was suffering from breast cancer; I did not want to take on any more worry than I already had. I was rude to her when she tried to tell me. I simply did not want to know at all. I was upset she chose that time in my life to tell me. I again pushed it to the side.
I am very glad I waited for this information until the here and now.
Five days ago, my mother sent me this email, along with the information she had on my father.
Needless to say I will be honoring my Mothers’ wish about not trying to dig at old wounds.
Be careful what you wish for; because the things you find out may not be the way you envision it in your head, and you will then have to live with the reality of the truth; and THIS is mine. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried to. Me being not one to hide things anymore, decided to own it; so that I can move forward in my life and be happy.
I love you MOM. I love you for everything that you are, all the sacrifices you made for me and every single thing you did to protect me as much as you could. I never told you that. I’m telling you now.
J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me