FINE

 I sat in the rain for over an hour at my spot tonight, looking past the slate boulders and fallen trees of the forest I have grown to love so much. It’s a good thinking spot. It’s been my safe place to go when I cannot love myself. I use it often, if one would like to know. It’s been raining all day, but I don’t mind; it was fully worth the wet butt just to collect my thoughts outside.
 
I’d been trying to reason with myself, when a stirring familiarity rushed through me, but in a much more relenting way than ever before. As I was wrapping my arms around me for some warmth, suddenly, It all became clear.
 
Although some would take the comfortable stance and say that it was merely the wind or a random shiver, my blunt thoughts could only have come at that moment…that second in time. With everything else in its’ place it couldn’t have been more clear. It was as if an 8mm film reel had come to the end in my head, flipping around and around and around again, driving it home that it was really over.
 
I stared up at the sky and wondered to myself, how it could have possibly taken so long for me to realize this. Nothing stared back, but rain.
I guess I’m just completely stupid to believe in multiple chances, or that things could ever have worked out between me and you. Then came the biting finale because I know that there is no going back; even if we both wanted to. I know I personally just can’t and you know the reasons why.  What I have known is no more and quite possibly never even was, and there is no sense denying it any further. It’s been almost four years, and it hurts more than you could ever know, I can’t even really put it into words.
Three strikes you’re out, I guess.
More like 1,500 strikes give or take a few; for both of us.
It’s funny what happens when you realize reality.  A calm comes over you because you know you cannot change facts, and so you let it go.
Standing to my feet as it thundered, I took a last, long drag of my smoke, chucked it into the forest, wiped the water from my glasses, and came back to the dryness and warmth of my house and smoked a big, fat bowl. (sounds better no?)
I am closing this chapter in my life because I have to, there is no other option left.  It is hurting my growth. There is no sense in trying to hang on to someone who doesn’t value me as a person.  It hurts too much and I can’t accept that and talk to you. It gives “loyal to a fault” a new meaning, and I will lose me in the process and that is not what I want at all.  I can’t have it.
There is a fine line between love and hate, love and lust;  also new and comfortable. There is very surely a fine line between reality and things you will tell yourself to make it o.k. in your head.  I can’t do it anymore.  IT’S NOT REALITY.
I think we both know where we stand at this point, and that we are both responsible.  I’m sorry I hurt you, but I have to get better and be healthy.
Love remains the same.
{It can’t rain all the time}

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