SCARS

The person I have hurt most of all is me.  In not loving myself, I hurt the people I love the very most in this world. That is a compounded tragedy in itself.  Devastating.  Sometimes it makes me want to jump in front of oncoming traffic because it’s so painful to know what I have become after it is all said and done.

Addiction kills not only the person addicted, but the people surrounding the person. It causes resentment, pain, and loss of many things. I have lost my kids, my mother, my sisters, my husband, my sister-in-laws, my nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, and many material things, everything that I ever held important. POOF.

When I look in the mirror at myself, I see all the flaws of my soul and I remember all of the things I have ever done wrong in my life to people I cared about.  They are my demons and haunt me daily.

I know addiction is a disease.  I know it is hereditary. I know it is a compulsion fueled by not wanting to feel and caused by multiple things…It doesn’t make it right.  For me, it turned from not wanting to feel, to not wanting to feel because I didn’t want to remember all the things I had done to everyone, and then it morphed into not even caring at all because there was no hope left in me. None. You take every single thing you ever cared about and throw it out the window, because inside you are wishing for numbness, so you don’t have to feel the pain you carry because it is too hard to bear and you don’t know what to do with it.

I have tried to try so many times that I just gave up on ever succeeding at one point. I always reverted back to the same cycle because it is an illness, and when compounded with multiple other issues and traumas, it becomes sometimes a shit-storm tornado that can rip apart anyone and anything in its path…and that was me.

It is a miserable, draining, lonely, disgusting existence.

People pass judgement on addicts because they are hurtful and selfish, also cause major damage to everything around them when they are in active use. Also high danger to others in some instances, like mine.

I have actually got in my SUV and drove with my youngest daughter while on Xanax and intoxicated after my son passed. I confessed it to my therapist and husband at the time.  CPS actually came to my house.  Tell me how, a mother could do that to her child in the first place, but especially after she has just lost her beautiful 3 1/2 yr old son, the year before…who she watched suffer and die right in front of her. It is madness.

That is what I have done to my daughter and my family that I will never, ever be able to take away, because I decided it was more important not to feel; because I couldn’t handle my self and my pain.  I struggle with that fact every single day of my life to date.  I have to live with the fact that I did this every, single day. The very worse thing is, that both of my children are aware of this fact, and I can’t take it back EVER. I can NEVER fix that pain. I can never take away the times they have seen me completely zoned out, or fucked up because I made an excuse to go out and drink thee entire time I was out and came home completely fucked up.  I went to AA meetings buzzed and drunk towards the end of my marriage.  I hurt my ex-husband to such a level, that he thinks I am the most disgusting human being on the face of this earth, to this day.

I left, because I knew I was hurting my children, and my husband, and because I knew at that point I could not control it.  I couldn’t.  My grief and pain had consumed me…and so had the numbness. I then, continued to struggle, and then struggle some more, and some more and some more.  Off and on.  Off and on.  I took care of my kids during the day,  and I would always drink at night after my kids left.  At one point I was drinking a fifth every single night, for months straight.  I was killing myself.  I would drink so much, that my ex would check to see if I was still drunk the next day.  I often was in the end, before I lost the responsibility of my kids for good.  For every good day I had, I would have three bad days and that’s how it went for a long time.  It became normal to numb because I could do nothing else.  It compounded even further when I started to also become bulimic.  And then two years later I did the same thing again but it was anorexia and speed.  I was compiling more and more BS and pain on myself and everyone around me.  I was dying slowly, every single day.  Tell me what kind of life is that? It’s not.  It’s addiction.

Addiction kills everyone and everything in terms of feelings for yourself and people around you that have to deal with you.  It makes you do things you would never consider doing in a million years if you were sober.  I have been raped 3 times, beat up, sold myself to survive and feed my addiction, had 2 DUI’s in my lifetime, drove around with my kid in the car messed up for fucks sake…ALL while in active addiction. And I am lucky. I am lucky to be living today, and that’s the truth.

It is next to impossible for me to repair that kind of damage.  I know.  I can’t undo it, because I did it. People in my family watch every move I make, and now question and accuse me of things I haven’t even done.  They talk bad about me; make fun of me. This is what I did to myself and to my children because of alcoholism and addiction.  I wasn’t always drunk and high.  I was sober for almost 10 years, and am a very good, loving and nurturing mother when sober.  But regardless I’m still an alcoholic. I’m guilty; I did it.  I did it all, and so it is my cross to bare.

If you are an addict and have made a conscious decision to change your life, and you are trying to make amends or have tried, and the person you hurt cannot forgive you?  Well, you are going to have to live with the fact that you have lost that person forever and will most likely never get them back.  You hurt them.  And they have the right to be hurt.  All you can do is apologize and mean it.  It just becomes a consequence that you must endure because of your addiction and choices. True lessons in life are not learned easily, very unfortunately.

You have a disease and with any disease if you treat it, you can control it.  You become your disease when you use, but the disease is NOT who you are.  Some times you might slip,  and although that is not a good thing, if you keep trying to try, eventually you will make it.  You know what to do.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you are not worthy of love or happiness in your life, because you are. There are many people who will try to keep you there, in that negative space; yourself being the biggest culprit.  I know.  Don’t give up on yourself, that’s what got you here in the first place.

I know what to do for myself because I’ve literally been at the bottom SO many times, that I started to create even deeper bottoms and it became enough already.   I’m not going to die by trying, I know this….I’ve spent my whole life trying to.   I have three children to think about and that doesn’t change just because one is gone now, as well as everything else I used to know.  I have accepted this.

Now I am taking it day by day because it’s best for me and the only way.  I know in order to be anything for my children I must first be something to myself. It is not their fault that their mother is an alcoholic/addict and has mental issues.  It is not fair to them to continue to add burden and pain on them, just because I am angry about my childhood and things I cannot properly deal with that have happened to me in my life.  It isn’t fair to them, and I must try to make it up to them.

I am trying to do better things and be healthier.  I will not stop trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. I don’t care what anyone says about me because they have not lived my life, or known my pain.

When I look in the mirror at myself, I still see all the flaws of my soul and I still remember all the things I have ever done wrong in my life to the people I care/cared about.  They are still my demons and they still haunt me daily. The difference is now,  I know that is not who I am today.  I am trying very hard to love myself for the person I know I am inside, and always have been.  I am trying to somehow forgive myself for everything I’ve done, and stay sober. I am trying to do the right thing on a daily basis and I will not engage with anyone that tries to keep me in negative feelings or the past.  This is today, and I am not that person anymore. If it is not good enough for you, then please don’t talk to me.  I won’t be offended.

I have lived my life…and I have the battle scars to prove it.  It has taken me my entire life to get to this point.  It is enough for me to gain the forgiveness of my children, as well as myself.  One persons’ trash is another persons’ treasure.  I had to go through all of this to get here to this very moment.  I will be happy and no one can stop me from achieving that. There are very many people around me that support and love me, and I am truly grateful for that as well.

I am sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused, every day. The mirror doesn’t lie.

Tomorrow is another day.  This day was a good one for me.  I am blessed.

Love yourself.  You are the only one that truly can.

J Rounds (c) 2015 ~Peaces of me.

scars

3 thoughts on “SCARS

  1. I see this is 2015 and I know you are much better today, but promise me when you look in the mirror, you will looks past the flaws and look for the good. If you can’t, I will look for it for you… and find it.
    I read all of that and everything you said, I feel. I just want you to know, that as long as I’m breathing, you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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