I go for my test tomorrow, on a pap that was not normal= not good. I am healthy. My blood tests prove I am healthy, so to myself I cannot deny this fact. But this pap has me worried because I also have a history on my mothers’ side of female cancers, my mother included, who is a survivor and one of the strongest people I know.
Number one, I am sober and I have managed to remain sober which is huge for me. To my self it shows how far I’ve come in knowing me and what is the right thing to do. Staying sober is essential. I know this. Even if it has only been a month. I am proud of myself because any other time when faced with uncertainty such as this, I would have self-medicated. It’s a victory for me and I am glad and happy because it is MY victory and cannot be taken.
I realized tonight just how many people care about me… and no matter if it is just online like some people like to say isn’t real, I can tell you….IT IS REAL.
When you have no support of any kind other than bi-weekly therapy appts because your therapists’ schedule is too busy, and quarterly psychiatrist appts that are 15 minutes long at best… you will seek other means if you want to survive. These people have saved me when I could not save myself. It is the truth and they don’t even know it. I love them. They are my friends.
I am not trying to be anyone these days but better than I was yesterday. I know that it is the only thing left I can do to save myself and my relations with the people I love.
There are many that try to make me feel like there is something so wrong with me that I cannot be fixed. I don’t need to be fixed at all. I need to be accepted for the growth I am making and the fact that I try every day. If anyone needs to fix anyone it is me and me alone and negativity from others will not do it or help. I am not interested in keeping myself in negative habits or the past any longer.
You can say anything you want about me but in the end I just want to be able to forgive and love myself and make my kids proud, that is all. There is something to be said about will and moxy and I have found out the hard way that I have both.
Tomorrow I will go to my appointment and I will ask my Dr. all the “what ifs” and “whats I need to dos”, and then I will research all of it accordingly and go from there.
I am trying to live a life now which is something I’ve never tried to actually do. I have ups and downs because I have issues and I have to constantly be on top of stuff if I want to come out on the other side better.
No one really knows this but I have a tree picked out for something I would call the “perfect” tree to hang from. It is right outside my house twenty feet from my doorstep. Every day I look at this tree and I decide that it is not something I ever want to do. It reminds me that opting out is NOT an option.
Whatever will come I will get through it. I am scared but supported and I know it.
You can look at your life as a blessing or a curse. Many days it is a struggle for me to be positive but someone told me very recently that “even when life is shit it’s beautiful”. He was right and tomorrow will be a good day either way. I will be alive and be able to love my kids and to be ME.
There are worse things and I know this for sure. Even if some say other wise.
Grateful doesn’t even begin to cut it. I am blessed.