Keeping myself in the here and now has always been one of the most difficult things for me to do. I have to consciously do it most of the day, and I just don’t understand why it is so difficult for me at all. It drains me.
I really feel like I don’t deserve to be happy most of the time. I always have felt this way…always. Maybe this is why I punish myself so much internally and physically. I sit inside my head and spin and I just want to disappear. I want the pain to go away so I try to numb it…but it never goes away. I am always lonely and I always feel lost. It doesn’t even matter if people are around me, I still feel inside myself, just going through the motions. I have hurt so many people in my life with my addictions and compulsiveness that I just don’t even know at this point what to do to make up for it. I struggle with so many personal traumas, demons, griefs, regrets, fears and the feeling that I am a total failure and I always will be. I am ashamed of myself. It’s a constant, nagging feeling that is always there, and it eats me alive every day.
Mostly I just want to be left alone because I know if I’m not around anyone, I can’t say anything wrong, I can’t do anything wrong to anyone, and also no one can do that to me.
These meds. aren’t working.
I’m not happy at all. There are people that make me happy. There are things that make me happy, but as a whole, I am not happy.
I think it’s time to really take charge and get my shit together because I don’t want to be this person anymore. I really don’t.
J.Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of Me