His D Day Eve…you would be 10 tomorrow

On the eve of my Karter’s birthday, I guess I’m just feeling more than anything, that I was lucky to have been blessed to be his mother, and to have had the time I did with him.

I felt like such a huge failure as a mother, because I wasn’t able to get the Drs. to listen to me no matter what I said or tried to do.  I did everything short of scream like a banshee up and down the halls of the hospital unit like a raging lunatic.

He waited until I fell asleep, before he let go.

I can still see the last look he gave me, and can still feel the last time I held him in my arms.  He had a hard life.  He was happy a lot and beautiful, but he also suffered a lot too.  The Gods were not kind.

I know he is better now.  I KNOW he is.  I also know he’s with me.  I can feel him every time I think I can’t go on and in every sunshine. 🙂

I don’t know where we end up after this life or if we just blank out. I have had my own experiences with religion and I’m not one to say what is right regarding that because I just don’t know.  I respect and love my Jesus friends because it’s understood that we don’t force each others’ beliefs on one another.  We have a healthy respect for one another in that regard and it works nicely.  That’s the way everyone should be in the world as far as I’m concerned, but that’s neither here nor there.

What I do know for a fact is that My son Karter is with me.  He’s in my heart.  He’s in my children’s faces.  He’s in every disabled child that suffers, that I see.

I’m just glad that I can cry now. Finally.  I’m glad I can finally forgive myself for things I had no control over, because for a long time I carried around this burden that I could have somehow done more, and that it would have saved him.

Karter would have been ten tomorrow.  I talked to my kids tonight and me and my son shared a brief moment of disbelief in that fact, and then we laughed remembering how he was, because he was beautiful and awesome…and he always will be.

My youngest daughter was almost one when he passed, so she just sees the pictures.  My eldest son was 7, so he remembers. My eldest daughter was 20.  She was devastated, as we all were. It is the most unbearable grief to not be able to take that pain away from them.  I wish every day that I could.

I love my children more than anything.  I just hope they always will know this.  I tell them every time I talk to them, I have a ways to go to prove it though.

It’s hard to admit I’m not an active, good mother to my remaining children.  And it’s hard to admit I lost it after my son passed, but I did.

I know I did.  I also know I struggle with my own demons that affects my thinking and actions still sometimes.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder coupled with Bi-polar, tripled with addiction does not a good mix make.  I ebb and flow on my moods and I try every day to remain positive for my remaining kids.

But on the eve of my Karter’s birthday, I guess I’m just feeling more than anything, that I was lucky to have been blessed to be his mother, and to have had the time I did with him.

The rest will come later.  As it always does.



J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me

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