Karter’s birthday is coming up May 3rd and I will be alone as usual. He would have been ten years old.
I was his caregiver 24/7. Even in the hospital, I took care of him; I wouldn’t really let the nurses even touch him. I gave him all of his meds. and bathed him, held him and took care of him, just like I did at home. I can do most of the things most nurses can do, but the difference is I didn’t go to school for it; I lived it.
He passed in the hospital about a half hour after the nurses told me to get some rest, as I had been up for three days straight with him because he was having issues, and I felt like he was in grave danger.
Words can’t even describe the feeling of waking up to your 3 1/2 yr old lying there in his hospital bed…passed over. They worked on him for 21 minutes and every minute I prayed to god to please let him come back. They finally called it at 12:11 pm Oct 3rd, 2008. It was surreal.
You may as well have put a shotgun up to my heart and pulled the trigger. My world stopped that day. I can’t get the last look he gave me out of my head. I hated God. I spiraled down into addiction and a very unhealthy relationship afterwards, ruined my entire family.
We sued the hospital and won. It took 5 years and they picked apart every single thing that was me and tried to make me feel like I was a bad mother. I was not at all at that time. I have since come to make peace that it is not my fault and that wherever he may be, he is better off because his quality of life was not very good. He, in the end, was literally being kept alive by medication.
I documented him by video when he was still here for his Dr.s at the Cleveland Clinic and Detroit Children’s who were studying him; they didn’t know why he moved so much. I posted them on YouTube because I was desperate for anyone that might be able to help him and our family. Instead I was called a child abuser, stupid, bad mother, that I was drinking when pregnant, on and on. All of the things that were not true at all. It was very, very hurtful, and I deleted a lot of the comments.
It was later, after he passed, I started to think about all the meds. he was on on a daily basis to keep him alive, and figured out that the medicine he was on for his movement disorder, (HALDOL) in essence, made his movement disorder WORSE. ONE of the many side effects from the drug which I find cruelly ironic. You think you are doing the best thing for your child, and the very opposite is happening; and you don’t even know it. I also think that the Effexor, which my Primary put me on from Prozac when I found out that I was pregnant, caused the malformation in his brain, and was the root of the problem in the first place. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow, and I hated myself for being weak and needing it, for a very long time.
I tried to watch some of his videos and this is the only one I can bare. I regret not filming him when he was thriving and happy. It would have been nice to have now, but I only have pictures; most of which my ex husband still has despite my asking for them.
My son had many issues, but the two biggest being Epilepsy and his Dyskinesia (movement disorder.) Both caused other issues and it was painful to see someone you love so much suffering, and you can’t control it. I am confident that if medical cannabis would have been an option, that his quality of life would have been 200% better. He might still be alive today. I advocate for the legalization of it openly and fully.
THIS is why I hate synthetic meds., and this my Karty.
I miss him every single day and I feel him with me often. He is the one that saves me every time I can’t go on.
I decided to share this video because I want people to know his struggle and our story. This is just a small portion of who he was and I am in the process of trying to write a book about his life and the people he touched; because he touched many. It is a very slow, painful process.
These politicians that think they can play god and keep medical cannabis and cannabis in general illegal, don’t know what they are doing or talking about at all. I will advocate for it until my dying breath. I am convinced it would have saved my son, and I’m convinced that no matter what, things happen for a reason and I was lucky to have been his mother. He was amazing.
People seem to think they know me; they really don’t know the half of it. This video may be hard to watch for some. It is not graphic; it is just hard to watch.
Tell the people you love that you love them and show it every day. Because one day they could be taken away from you in the blink of an eye. I’d give anything to have one more day with Karter. I just hope I see him again one day, instead of just my dreams.
J Rounds ©2015 ~Peaces of me