June 5th, 2014
My childhood was extremely disfunctional and messed up. That’s where my major issues stem from. What you learn in your formative years, is what you carry with you through a great deal of life and where your ideologies come from and your coping skills as well. I’ve have not always been the best person. I have hurt people, sometimes on purpose. Also I have been the best person and have gotten hurt emotionally, as well as physically. I’m bitter and resentful for some things, untrusting sometimes, and I have some of the most solid walls built up around me that you ever might find in a person. I know that’s not good. I believe in love and want it, but it scares me to death. I’m not good in relationships. I either isolate completely or am too smothering. I push people away. I have cheated on people and been cheated on. At this point in my life I only believe what I can see (actions and with my own two eyes), or things I know to be true by fact. My kids. Me. My family. My extended family, and by that I mean all immediate friends I talk to on a regular basis in some way that are not blood related that I respect and care about. My acquaintances (People that drift in and out). That is my order of loyalty. I will most likely be alone, regarding romance, for the rest of my life. I have accepted this.
Everyone fails in life, in some regard. Those that pretend they haven’t are just full of it. It’s getting back up that’s the hardest, most essential part. Taking responsibility for your own actions. Getting real. I am learning new ways to cope with things finally. I am becoming a better person. I am trying to make amends to people I have hurt throughout my life, including my children. I still have a lot of work to do. Maybe some day I will be truly happy, and believe I actually deserve to be. For now, I work on myself daily. As far as I’m concerned, fighting your way back can sometimes teach you some of the biggest, best lessons about yourself and life, that you will ever learn. For as challenging as it sometimes is, there’s more often a very positive growth that takes place. No one can ever take that from you. It is yours alone to claim as a victory. Also very freeing.
I have hope for myself yet. Slow and steady wins the race.
J Rounds ©2014 ~Peaces of me