Free-writing. Not edited.

I’m terrified of going backwards.

Today I feel the ripping sting of the band-aid pulling away, and I am reminded that every, single struggle I go through hurts, but has some sort of purpose or lesson for my life.

Currently it’s just hurting, and I can’t find the purpose, so I’m just writing it out.

The frustration I feel is temporary and I know I should not feel ashamed for being upset about legit obsticals thrown in my way, so that other people can make money off of me, and take money from me.

It is a valid, very real frustration.

I also know that I can’t let my current struggles define my future, because it will engulf me and I won’t get through it very well that way at all.

I know the pressures I put on myself to succeed are directly fucking with my self-esteem right now, when I should know better, “by now.”

It is SO hard to have everything in you, but to feel helpless as to how to implement even the simplest things, because you can’t seem to get your basic life rolling to where it’s not a struggle financially.

Money pressure is the number one running anxiety in my life.

I am tired of feeling like I am drowning, when I work so hard to stay afloat.

I’m tired of being anxious about money. I’m tired of worrying if I will lose basic things I need to move forward, like my car. I’m tired of not being able to slow down for even one moment or I will not be able to pay for the things I’m responsible to pay for.

I’m tired of feeling like a spoiled brat bitching about first-world problems.

I’m tired.

Every ounce of peace I feel inside goes away when these feelings come on days like these.

If I didn’t already know that I will find a way through it somehow, I wouldn’t be writing this, I’d be drinking instead.

Instead I’m just wondering why I’m considering working a job for $9.50 an hour…when the lady next door who sells flowers out of her front yard makes way more than that and doesn’t even pay taxes.

Today I will be working in staying in the moment, busting my ass to find a job so that I can keep my life going and keep my car, and not being angry that I had to cry today to be able to admit that my past choices in life. are still haunting me to this day.

Btw, I quit smoking AGAIN. It was basically because I had no other option, and I’m even more tired of the way I have let it control my life for so long.

This will be cold turkey, and I’m sure I probably deserve it all.

*World’s tiniest violin.

I am grateful for my sister and her wisdom on the matter. I’m super glad to have blogged about it too, because now I have the mindset to move forward again, and stop being afraid that I cant do it.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

Literally feel like life is like a box of chocolates.

It’s a good time in my life because I’m at certain peace for the life that I’ve led.

Passion for positive change is a running theme in my life today. I don’t apologize because it’s the only thing that makes me feel alive in a world like this.

I can feel and thrive and process life today. I feel like that’s a good thing that is geared toward positive change.

Before I couldn’t process things out. It would just stay in me and infect me like a wound that never heals.

I’m sober and a kinder, better person day by day, and I dig that about my life today. I’m grateful to finally understand that life is a moving, fluid motion that sometimes has sharp, jagged edges that you have to learn to navigate through.

Before navigation skills came to me, I was constantly stabbing myself and bleeding out. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

This is what sobriety has done for my life.

Love yourself.

P.s. I Haven’t heard back from the job app. I put in yesterday, so I’m going to branch out into other job fields and see what happens.

My potential and hard work ethic are going to be useful for something.

I’m just believing and knowing that it will be ok no matter what and that I need to keep working at moving forward, no matter what.

J. Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

It’s a situation. Mental Health Stigma, Social Media, Political Views and Me.

I should be more upset that whenever I don’t say what people want me to, I get slammed over my mental health issues and sobriety.

I’m not though, because I know that people these days get excitable over pretty much anything (sometimes myself included), and it isn’t worth the time to take those words in as truth, when I know I am doing the work to stay sober, and emotionally am doing quite well.

The stigma of mental health is real, and if you have strong political views and talk about them on social media, it is even harder to live down your past struggles. It’s the first thing people zero in on if they don’t agree with you, or don’t understand you as a person.

People automatically think you are talking crazy. They automatically assume you are drinking again. They automatically assume you are spiraling down. They tell you that you are wrong in any fashion they care to. They discount you.

Even if your words make sense and are directed towards peace and stopping gun violence. Even if you are afraid of guns, don’t own one, can’t own one, and don’t want to own one.

Even if.

I pulled away from Facebook again because I needed to.

After these last mass shootings, I took to my wall to let everyone know that I was tired of the gun issues in America, the mass shootings that have happened 251+ times just this year alone, the looking the other way so it continues to happen, and the fact that they sell guns in America to any seemingly normal person that wants one.

As you know, I moved from Dayton just a few weeks ago. What you also must know is that the mass shooting in Dayton was 15 minutes away from where I lived, and where my friends live as well. For some time I was worried that some of them could have been there; and I was worried.

After finding my friends were all safe, I then became angry. For over a week I posted numerous things on my wall about the mass shootings, gun control, videos on peace, finding peace and solutions, and also numerous opinions of others as well that justified my stance and supported it.

I figured I could do nothing but use my voice, and so I did.

I don’t regret it either.

It wasn’t until I was honest and admitted that I was tired of talking about gun control, had been talking about it too much and was going to focus on my family, friends, and job; that people started coming to me and asking me if I was ok.

Numerous people.

I don’t much get it.

Although I more than appreciate the concern for my welfare (I DO), I have to say that I was taken back by the fact that people could be so worried over the fact that I am concerned about the way our country works and the way we always look the other way on every real issue there is.

I’ve decided that social media (Facebook in particular) is no longer a place of reason, and in reality, never was.

Most people are unwilling to have real discussions on ways to change anything.

It doesn’t matter what you say.

This week it solidified what I in essence, already knew.

I understand that mental health struggles are real. I do sometimes still struggle with depression and symptoms of PTSD myself.

But I don’t feel that wanting to feel safe in your own country without having to have a gun, and talking about it….is me being mental.

Social media, is in my opinion, a relevant starting point for change about the way we communicate and treat others in general.

I know I have work to do myself in that regard as well.

What it is for me personally regarding guns, is me being worried for the future of my children and yours, and I have every right to be.

It is not my cross to carry if people don’t understand that. At all.

Will I get locked away for not wanting a gun and for wanting my children and all people to feel safer? Pff. It’s just too much, and it doesn’t make sense to me at all.

I am not sure in the future if I will ever talk about politics in an open way again on facebook, because if people can’t even accept the talk of reason from me and inquire to see if I’m ok, then it seems all I am really truly doing is worrying people, and digging myself a social hole for people to imply that I am still sick.

It makes me sad mostly. That I can’t be myself.

It makes me sad that people potentially see me as sick again, because I have been open about my struggles, and I chose to speak up about my opinions on relevant topics and things going on in this country.

It makes me sad that people can think those things about me.

However, I think it is the price I pay for having conviction, principles, and passion. I think it is the price I pay for opening up my life online, to try to help others that struggle.

I am sitting on the porch of my sister’s house this morning with my dog and my coffee, writing this blog so that I can assure anyone that worries about me that I am not a threat to anyone, and that I am indeed ok. It is something I feel I need to do because, like I said, the stigma of mental health is very real. I feel it is my responsibility to assure people, because I do speak on a public platform about my struggles and life.

Today, I struggle because I want change in my country. I struggle because I know that it probably won’t come. I struggle because the only thing I fear in this world is losing another one of my children senselessly.

It is somewhat of a grieving process for me, letting go of the fact that I can do nothing; and there is nothing wrong with that.

This is what I want people to understand.

I also know, that you are what you focus on and that I can’t let that fear keep me from living. It isn’t, and does not.

I talk about things to process them, and to learn new ways of understanding within myself.

It is time for me to focus again on things that I CAN change in my life.

I am having real conversations with my kids and family for the first time in years. True friends too. It feels good to be loved for who I am, opinions and all.

People that know me in real life understand, and support me. They support my growth and the process I’m going through to become the best version of me.

Today I will focus on being mindful of the fact that I need to live despite what’s going on in this world and in my country. Despite the fact that I can do no relevant thing to change anything at all, except to change myself.

It is hard to be human. It is hard to be in a world that doesn’t make sense. I think it is hard for all of us, mental health struggles or not.

I still feel grateful for this life, and for the blessings that I am lucky enough to call mine.

I still have hope that in America, we will become kinder as a people and that we can work it out someday. Together. We are all in this life together, after all.

I will always be who I am and have opinions on things that affect me. I will never feel guilty or bad about my opinions on those topics ever again. I will not feel bad for being me. I made that promise to myself over three years ago, and I am sticking to it.

I did not in any way want to cause concern to people or hurt anyone’s feelings.

I will in the future, consider not talking about politics as much in general.

That’s just a consideration…not a promise.

For now I’m done talking. I’m focusing on living this life to the best of my ability, integrity, and being kind.

Mental health struggles do not always equate out to irrelevance, or active spiriling down. They are case by case, as anything is.

We also need to understand that it is ok to struggle, but that it is essential to ask for help if you feel like you are spiriling down.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~ Peaces of ME

The More You Know

I have not written words on paper for a long time.

A computer screen would not be paper, but I haven’t wanted to write here on this blog either. I don’t know why exactly, but I feel like I need to just go with the flow when it comes to my writing, so I am.

My life is pretty different then it was the last time I blogged.

I am a legal resident of Michigan now.

It was a slightly daunting move that took patience, but I financed it all myself and so for some reason, I am proud of that. I worked hard to make it happen and accomplish the goal. Two years ago I wouldn’t have even been able to attempt it.

My growth inside is daily, and I am sober. My mind is open. I’m embracing all three of these gifts because that’s what they are.

I took some time off from working to decompress and regroup. I’ve been slightly depressed at points these last three weeks, but the time off has done me some good. I think after a big change it just takes a bit to level out. My mind was tired and my body was tired too. I needed the rest, and so I’m glad I took the time.

Now it’s time to look for a better job than the one I used to work before. I have an excellent referral letter from my former employer and motivation to match it.

Time to get going again, and I’m ready.

I don’t know where it will lead, but I trust the direction the universe is taking me. I also trust myself.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

One In the Same.

In the still, I can feel it haunting me.

It’s the familiar tinge of anxiety saying that I have fallen, and I can’t get up.

Doubt is not my friend. It certainly at times, loves to lick at the base of my spine and shoot out my eyes and mouth, with a sharpness.

I find solace in living and challenging myself to mentally grow every day in some positive way; to move forward no matter how small the step, even on my worst days.

A level-head, and reason always prevails.

Today has been a good day for me. I know that I am at the point in my life where letting go and moving forward, are one in the same.

This is what life is all about.

I have faith in the universe, and what it’s taught me thus far. I am open to whatever lessons it holds next for me.

I reminded myself again today that I do have true friends that will listen to my rambles when I need support. I thank you.💯❤

I also reminded myself that “letting things go”, means actually letting things go; not re-evaluating the same situation over and over again, like the outcome will ever be different or change.

I’ve found for myself that validation comes mostly just in knowing the truth of the matter…..and most times, that’s all you’ll get.

I’m looking up and ahead to the future with confidence and grace.

I am sober and Michigan bound in two weeks.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

To allow myself the right to be exactly who I am (minus the vodka), has been the most freeing and healing thing I could have ever done for myself.

I cried today because I am overwhelmed and amazed with happiness at just how far I’ve actually come in these last two years.

People say that they are proud of me, but I guess today it just really sunk in.

There was a time when I thought I would always feel sick and empty and alone.

I realized that I was basically keeping myself sick by thinking like that, and I’m glad that I can see that now, because I wasted a lot of fucking time, blaming everyone else.

Message to Regina George.

It’s 7 am, 25°F, wind gusts that make it feel like sub-zero, and you want to go outside first thing, to smell around and waste time.

No.

This is why you are a first-world dog and have potty pads.

Going outside before I’m awake in this shit storm is not something that’s going to be happening, and literally the worst possible thing I can think of doing in this moment.

Thanks.

I Am Not One of Them.

I’ve learned after decades of struggling with pretty much everything, that the things I hold onto in my head, are the things that I will focus on. Also, that I am in full control of myself and my actions. No one else. That’s the bottom line.

Get to living.

There’s never going to be a moment when I won’t be bipolar or in some sort of recovery. There’s never going to be a time when I will be able to fully accept some of the traumas and betrayals I’ve lived through in my life. THIS is what I’ve accepted and made peace with. That and knowing the fact that I DID live through it all. Somehow that realization made it easier to start letting some of the hurt, anger, confusion, hate, self-loathing and pain go.

My pain was like a comforter to me, for most of my life. It was a horrible side-effect from a lot of different things, and something I was used to, and knew well. My pain built thick walls that were riddled with doubt and fear, Hatred towards myself, and those around me.

It was not a comfort in the slightest. It was a liar. It didn’t keep me safe. It didn’t keep me from drinking. It didn’t keep me from getting hurt by other people, or from hurting other people.

It kept me from living. It kept me stuck.

For me personally it is hard to let go of some things, because I can’t even remember every part, and every single thing that has happened to me. I don’t know all of it, because there’s no way I could know everything. It’s been hidden from me. I do know enough though, to know that it’s there and will come back in different pieces, and I’ll know then…. or it won’t come at all. I might never get the answers to certain things. I might never get validation or closure from anything. THIS is what I accept and make peace with. Then it becomes easier to let it go.

Getting to the point where I was actually present in today, every day, took me a long, long, long, long time to actually implement.

Even though I knew exactly what to do.

Self-loathing is really detrimental to your life, and is a running bi-product of most mental health issues.

For me, I just reached the point where I couldn’t keep dragging myself through the mud every day anymore.

{You spin me right round baby, right round}

Like a record baby; a broken one.

ENOUGH. I was my own problem…..

I wish sometimes that I didn’t know how things actually are in the world because it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. TOO MUCH.

I then start to look at the other side of it and realize just how much internal strength there is knowing what I know. Learning what I’ve learned. Living through the things I lived through. Hard lessons or not, I am around to talk about it.

The pressures we put on ourselves are often tainted with underlying needs.

My underlying needs were to feel validated and loved and safe. Those were my underlying needs for most of my life, because I never felt it. In the past I have ruined any opportunity for those needs to be fulfilled, because I didn’t know how to feel it. I would do things to push people away from me.

It was because I never validated or felt love or felt safe in myself.

I was my own problem.

When I actually accepted that about myself a big weight was lifted.

I didn’t want to be that version of Jenni anymore, because I sucked the life out of everything and everyone, and it was miserable and exhausting every day.

That realization and the need to feel peaceful inside, set me on a path to building a life that was real; honest to myself and my beliefs, no matter what.

I am present in this day, and not in my past with my ghosts that kept me chained and locked away from HOPE.

Some people lie to themselves their entire lives and are totally fine with it.

I am not one of them.

I choose not to be.

I hope you will choose not to be too.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2019 ~Peaces of ME

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how things constantly change in life, and about how much I resisted the changes in mine at different stages because I was afraid of failing.

Every person that wants to be successful, dreams of the day when they can finally level-up enough to be satisfied.

In a world like today, what does that even mean anymore?