Not tonight satan.

It’s when the universe tests me with its trials, that I remember that I have been through way worse.

One year, six months, and fourteen days says I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to.

I definitely know my worth now, in ALL regards.

I’m glad for this day even though it sucked in many ways.

The highlight was talking with my youngest daughter, and truly laughing with her.

She is amazing. That and being sober are the only two things I need tonight.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I Remember You.

Today marks 10 years to the day that my 3 1/2 year-old son passed tragically in the hospital; while we were there for routine tests that ended up leading to complications from a radical surgery he had had the year before, to save his life. It was a sudden thing that none of us were prepared for at all, and ultimately it unfortunately led to his passing on this day, at 12:11 pm, 2008.

It IS the single most traumatic thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I went crazy because of it, and I had to fight my way back for a long time.

Everyone that new Karter, new what a light he was in this world. Strong. Resilient. A beautiful spirit.

We miss him every day.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some angels are only here for a little while; to show us things we need to know for the future and to give us the strength to get there.
I do not know if I will see Karter again, but I’d like to think so. He comes to me in my dreams. I know for sure he is better now, and that fact brings me peace.

Today I am keeping to myself. I’m thinking of my children, my sisters, my mother, my ex husband, and my family members that love him.

We were blessed to be in his life, and surely that he graced ours.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds; May 3rd, 2005- October 3rd, 2008.

I know you are, and that you show me the way to the light every day.

Sometimes things that are hardest to bear, ultimately end up making you so much stronger inside, and actually help you find a reason to keep going. Xo.

Love yourself.

I Remember You ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Sometimes I get SO frustrated that I literally want to implode into nothing, and disappear.

The feelings and anxiety and depression are REAL.

I made myself a promise a little over a year ago, that no matter what else happened in my life, I would not ever go the route of suicide or consider it ever again.

I still have the thoughts sometimes…and it feels like I can’t help it.

I will never kill myself because I know that that will solve nothing.

It will only make it worse.

I think it’s sad that I fucked my life up so bad, and put myself into everyone and everything, but me.

I’m so ashamed of my life.

At the end of the day, I’m alone.

At the end of the day, there is no one here to catch me when I fall or anyone that even wants to.

I wouldn’t let anyone get close enough anyways.

At the end of the day, I’m a 47-year-old woman with a minimum wage job and scattered college courses that can’t even be put together into a degree. I have mental issues which have peaks and valleys.

It pisses me off that I could go out and be a whore and make all the cash I need, but I can’t make enough money doing something legit because I don’t have obviously “what it takes.”

I work my ass off at work because it makes me feel like I’m someone.

I’m afraid to find another job because I’m afraid I’ll mess my life up again, and it will be the wrong move.

I also love my job.

I can’t depend on income from odd jobs at all. It always falls through no matter how patient or flexible I am.

I don’t know enough people. I don’t have the schedule flexibility to work enough at another job.

I wanted to do so many things with my art and photography and writing; but I just feel like it doesn’t even matter anymore.

I depend on my ex-boyfriend for things….still.

I fucking HATE it, even though there’s a part of me that sometimes feels like he owes me the help.

I know it’s wrong to feel like that even though I do, and maybe there’s truth in it to feel that way, but maybe there’s not. I don’t know.

I do know that he came across town to bring me cigarettes when he didn’t even feel good and now I feel like shit. I’m also pissed off that I’ve spent so much money on that disgusting habit too.

Can I stop. NO. Still smoking.

I get SO frustrated about all of it, that all I can do is cry to relieve the stress.

It is really all I can do some days to pull myself out of my pity party reality and stay motivated enough to move on to the next day.

I cannot describe the emptiness and loneliness that depression is for me, but I do know it is directly correlated to whatever is going on in my life at the time.

Money is the issue, and has been for some time now. I cannot over- extend myself any further, on anything.

At this time, I have no other option left but to find a job that will support me fully.

No other option.

I think it’s going to be a really fucking miserable Winter too.

And that’s how my depression is making me feel, and how I feel right this moment.

“This too shall pass”, but my patience with myself and the universe is completely gone in THIS day.

I’m going to bed because I have a headache, and I have to work at 6:15 tomorrow and “people”.

It would be amazing if I got my review tomorrow, and I could at least be making ten bucks by the end of it.

I already know that’s not going to happen, and really that’s so pathetic to even be saying.

Ten bucks an hour isn’t shit in the world of today.

I feel like I’m never going to be financially stable.

And it makes me literally sick.

I feel like my whole life has meant nothing, and I do not know why I am here.

I am one year, five months, and thirty days sober.

I’m trying to love myself by writing out loud and saving my life through purging the negative thoughts.

Thank you for reading.

Win-win.

There are some people in the world who just seem to do their own thing and not really care about much except “enjoying” life and living it to the “fullest”.Their lives seem to go off without a hitch…so it seems. The perfect everything. You want to be one of those people, even though you know that’s not true at all.

Right?

Is being truly happy really a real thing, or is it sometimes a made up illusion, and someone being so good at acting and convincing, that they actually might believe their own BS; and project a state of mind to make others believe it too.

Or it could be a life sprinkled with more happiness here and there than most; more opportunity and more people supporting it.

How does that happen, how can I make that reality mine?

What is being “truly happy” anyways? According to whom?

No one has it really; because we are ALL in our own ways, reaching.

Very few of us are content with where we are.

I guess I started thinking, what exactly am I reaching for?

Everybody’s lives are in states of metamorphosis every day.

The ideas I’ve always had about what being “truly happy” is, or means to me, are changing.

I don’t know. I guess I live somewhere in between trying to live my life to the fullest without the cash flow; caring about people even though most people suck and hurt you; and I haven’t quite figured out if being truly happy is even in the realm of being scientifically possible for someone like me; or what that looks like either. Am I trying too hard? Am I just going to die a misunderstood little girl inside, who always feels like no matter what she does, she’ll have to avoid a lot of things and people to feel safe to be herself in this world?

That’s not really safe, but I also don’t mind avoiding at all.

Is that a problem?

Do I care if you care? Not really. That’s the thing. I’ve learned not to.

I care but I don’t.

I guess there are good things in the world, after all, to be grateful for. I am now immune to internet hate. LOL!!

This is also why I love this blog.

You, the reader, don’t have to read any of this.

I am healing myself as I type this.

It’s a win, win.

{I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna’ change. I can feel it.}

It’s a win-win because I just want to feel better about my life and the world. Make more sense of it. Writing helps. This blog is almost five years old. I don’t know of very many people that have my writing style, so I actually appreciate the fact that I don’t have very many followers, also that you don’t seem to mind the fact that I’m unpolished and broken.

Thank you.

It’s like a journey within a journey if that makes sense to anyone at all.

I’m anti-social for many reasons. This helps.

I don’t know what will happen next in my life. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to get more of the bad stuff out, and more of the good stuff in.

I get it fully, so.

On a total squirrel side note:

Social media and the way the world in general tries to make you feel worthless just for being you is so sad. Don’t worry about fitting into the social media standard of what “normal” is.

It’s not normal at all.

Not everybody is born into the ideal situation with the same opportunities.

That’s okay. You still have options to be successful, and truly you want it to be more than just money based or you’ll regret it.

This I know.

I don’t even want to people most days because most people don’t get that and it makes me anti-social. Truth.

I can’t be around those people. Maybe someday I can, but why?

I’m learning how to be good in the moment, and grateful every day that I can at the very least write about who I am and how I feel this way and then go away.

I am one year, five months, and twenty-eight days sober.

I got tired of editing this half way through.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The struggle is real.

Some changes are coming for me in my life again.

I’m no longer content to sit back and let other things and people dictate the course and direction my life will take.

I don’t care what I have to do to get to the next level of having to not worry every single day about money; as long as it’s legit and will afford me the opportunity to better my life, and not just struggle through it like I have been doing.

I shouldn’t have to work almost every day, all day long and struggle to maintain a basic life and food.

They want me off of SSI, saying that I’m potentially “not mental” anymore because I’m working (because you can magically become un-bipolar I guess), and I can’t even support myself on the full-time job I have.

That in itself is completely ridiculous, considering how hard I work every day and the fact that I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle at all.

They also have NO idea what my head is every day either.

I’ll give up the SSI because I don’t want to be on it anyway, that’s not really the point. I could go on about that whole situation, but that’s another blog.

The point is; I could sit back, be all pumped up on synthetic meds. and fucked up on alcohol and drugs, wasting my life away being mental…

And be in the exact same financial position that I am in now, working full-time.

No joke.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture?!

My only incentive is not wanting to be that person. That’s it.

The fact that I could not survive financially without my ex-boyfriend’s help makes me want to kick bricks.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to find just “one job” that will be good for me, that I can live on.

Seeking out opportunities is not something I’m good at.I have to make it work, and start seeking anyways.

This job I have is not working for me financially, and there is no room for growth there for me. I don’t have the resources to work for myself.

I’m just rambling right now because I’m highly frustrated.

I’m 47 years old and have struggled my whole life.

At what point does the struggle become worth it, because I’m worried about keeping my electricity on and my two childrens Birthdays this month, and that has nothing to do with any kind of future savings, retirement, or debt I owe for my school loans, so aren’t I just fucked.

The highlights of my day are that I’m actually confirmed nearsighted, and my insurance will help me with glasses. I might not even have insurance next month, who knows….so I’m grateful anyways for that.

I’m also sober. One year, five months, and nineteen days. I’m grateful.

I’m grateful that my ex tries to help me when he can.

But that’s getting really old for both of us.

I’m going to bed now and re-set my shitty mood.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles. I am sure that I am the only one who lives my life though.

And it’s still not working the way I need it to yet.

Changes are coming and well needed.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

The Universe is trying to teach me today.

I think the universe is trying to teach me a lesson in patience today because I don’t think the day could have been anymore tripped up.

There have been SO many things that have gone wrong for me this Thursday, that I cried twice at work from stress, and once before I even went to work.

It’s not worth running down the list of BS at all, but I don’t like to cry, as we know.

My tears were not crazy tears at all and mostly quiet and to myself really; but the new guy at work did see me for a few seconds. I was embarrassed, naturally. I just pretended that I was fine and walked away.

I then got happy….and plowed through the rest of the day.

The real high lights were my dog babies at work; that helped a lot.

I have done a pretty awesome job of keeping it together today, and not losing my shit like I have in the past when things don’t go anyway but wrong for me.

It is not a new thing at all… the trip ups.

I do know I’m growing positively and not going backwards though.

Even though I did have a few “moments” today, I stayed pretty calm despite all of this crap I feel is testing me.

I have quite a bit on my plate at the moment, and I can’t deny it or avoid it.

I feel like I am dropping the ball sometimes, but also that I am trying as hard as I can not to.

That matters.

I wonder quite a bit just what the point is when some days it feels like all I do all day long is consistently talk myself down from completely losing it.

I know it’s what I have to do to get through it though.

I wonder if other people that are in recovery and in the process of rebuilding their lives ever feel this way; also if they talk about it.

I cannot be the only one.

I know I am using the tools I have and being honest about what’s going on with me, and that it is actually working to keep me focused on what I can do next to make my life better.

I want to say personal thank yous to Kayla, Elaina, and T for listening to me today and helping me get through my “moments”.

Yes i did say T. I think time does heal old wounds, and taking it as it comes doesn’t hurt either. It’s good to have my friend back again, without the pressure of anything else.

*On a side note: As for my social media frustrations, I have gone to my other account. It is much more positive with people that actually want to see me succeed. Only real friends there.*

Tomorrow will be a better day for me I’m sure. If not, I will get through that too. I believe that things will be if it’s meant to be.

I am one year, five months, and eleven days sober. I am living today instead of dying slowly.

I hope you will do the same friends.

Don’t give up.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~ Peaces of ME

{The picture kept will remind me.}

When I see pictures of us that are from when we were together, it still messes me up inside.

I still see you in real life from time to time, but the images I have of us are what get me the most.

I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it turned out so much different than I wanted it to.

Maybe someday I will be able to delete them, but I am not there yet.

I go on with my life because I know that things happen for a reason, and my place is obviously not with you.

I can’t help but wonder if the lessons in it all, are more than I am realizing.

Every day, I become a little bit more ok with the fact that you are gone, and were never really there to begin with.

I used to be so angry about it; now there is a certain peace in the fact that it is no longer consuming my every waking thought.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I have a social media love/ hate relationship.

This entry is only edited by my Grammarly keyboard. It’s a total off the top of my head post. *heads up*

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I’m taking another social media hiatus because I f’ ing hate social media, mostly.

I almost spelled out the entire swear word, but I’m trying to be more light and graceful these days with my words and actions. (What?)

I failed today already on that, by the way. I’m sure that’s so surprising to everyone.

I am currently trying to stop smoking on top of my social media annoyance, so my lack of nicotine isn’t helping with my mood. It’s been almost a day without anything but this vape. (“Vaping is bad”. I know, but it is better than smoking at this point, for me.)

I think I just might be one of the most anti-social people I currently know.

Social media makes me more so. I can barely stand it.

My current level of socialization is work, random strangers at the gas station and what not, and facebook.

I’m tired of the immature whining and straight up hate that IS social media. It’s also WAY too easy to partake in the ridiculousness of it all, and I end up feeling like shit the more time I spend on it.

I try to be as positive as I can, but there is always someone or something that will screws it up for me every time.

So, it’s about how I react and what I choose to do that will change it for me.

I choose to stay to myself, not comment or talk to people on social media directly, put my nose to the grind, and not stop.

The only real friends I have will be friends anyways.

Most of the people that follow me around the internet are just people wanting to see me fall, so they can do that without me being on facebook.

I’m saying it here because I’m not going on social media and being a diva for attention and the “don’t goes”.

I don’t care. I also know if I deactivate my account, ill have a whole new set of issues.

No one gives a shit if I’m there or not, and I am perfectly fine with that at this point.

It frees up space for me to worry about what really matters, like finding another job so I can pay my bills and not be homeless again.

Pretty sure nobody on facebook gives one care about that.

One thing I do know about this world. There are more negative people in it, than not.

I regret being part of that problem for so long, and sometimes still.

I work every day to try to be a better, more understanding, kinder, integrity driven person.

I hope some day I can feel like my life isn’t one big shit show, and I can actually help someone.

I think I need to really take a hard look at my social media everything, because it’s causing stress in my life more than anything else.

I don’t really know where I want to go from here. I do know I want it to be up in my higher thinking though; and I don’t think facebook is going to be something that will help me with that right now.

Thanks for reading.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Being positive doesn’t mean being complacent.

I don’t think that being a positive, peaceful person means you have to just sit back, be complacent, and not let anything bother you.

I work for positivity and peacefulness inside, every day. There are also lots of things in the world that I have thoughts and opinions about.

I believe that nothing will ever change, without first acknowledging that there is a problem.

Me having a voice is not the problem.

The problem is that people don’t care about anything at all unless it *affects/effects them.

J. Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME