Seriously. You might as well just chain me to the back of a truck and drag me for 20 miles.
That’s how it feels to be in the system. Clearer I cannot be.
Never in my life have I been so strung along to get an apartment that I could afford. It’s always one more thing.
Only thing they haven’t asked me for is my blood, because they already have it.
It’s disgusting because I know there are people that are getting the same run around with their situations too.
One week leads into one more week, one more month, one more paper they forgot to mention they needed. One more signature that no one has time to give and send back in.
Even if it’s sent back, the paper can’t be found.
I’m f’ ing over it.
What I’ve been through since May hasn’t felt like help. It’s been a series of fuckeries designed to make me give up, if anything.
Everybody is blaming it on Covid, but it was like this before Covid even existed.
If I can tell you one thing, it’s STAY ON TOP OF IT. If you’re working with people in the system, Advocate for yourself until someone listens and you get the help you need.
Do the work to meet the requirements. Play the game.
That’s what it IS.
Prepare to continually jump through hoops for an undisclosed amount of time; because you’re DEFINITELY going to, even when they say they have everything they need.
It’s set up that way.
Fairly certain it’s mostly political now too, like everything else has been.
I also know for a fact that the government scans your social sites to see if you are lying to them, or if you’re “too happy”. Yes, it’s illegal. Yes, they still do it. I know someone on tik tok that was in social work and has written about it for Forbes.
The system is not designed to help you. It’s designed to track your every move and judge you for it, and then make you feel like you’re worthless for needing and asking for the help when you need it.
That’s the truth, so please judge me for this too.
Like it matters.
Also let it be known that I’m going to help change the mental health system for the better someday.
Mark my words.
Because noone else should have to go through this ridiculous drawn-out process and get sicker and more suicidal than they already are, just to prove they are worthy of the help and their own rights as a survivor of abuse.
I don’t believe that there could ever be a downside of being too knowledgeable about one’s self and things going on in the world.
I’m mindful of the way my life fits into other people’s lives and this world.
I don’t believe there’s such a thing as too much knowledge about real life.
For all of the s*it shifting I’ve done to come to terms with my flaws and own existence; seeking justice for my life; I can say that there’s a surge of motivation running through me every day to keep working towards getting my goals accomplished. The justice I truly seek is my sanity and peace of mind before I leave this earth.
I validate my existence as a no-nonsense strong woman who’s a work in progress and always will be.
If you could call me one thing it would be resilient.
You cannot take that away. I lend it to the way I’m built inside, and what I’ve been through.
I can see the growth in my life today and I am grateful for it.
I’m able to manage my stress levels better now and that has been the silver lining in my 2020.
I’ve learned to push through my fears even when I’m terrified to do so. It is NOT always easy.
I’ve learned that pushing myself IS the key to life and recovery.
I’ve structured my personal boundaries and moral compass and I won’t concede to anything less.
Even though some days feel completely hopeless and un-doable I know the only person who can make or break me now, is ME.
It’s the way it IS.
I’m solid in my convictions because I know that my life is an afforded opportunity and is certainly not a given.
I know life is about the journey.
I know only to keep people in my life now that support my growth.
I support theirs too, BTW.
I know that surrounding myself with positive humans allows me to genuinely work on myself without fear of having to be perfect or feeling never good enough.
I’m setting goals today that I know are healthy and relevant to my present life and future.
I’m excited about the future I’m building for myself.
I’ve worked hard physically and emotionally to get to this spot.
It has been hard and full of not listening to the negativity of what others may say about me and my life path.
Instead, I choose to stay humble, mindful, assertive, strong in my convictions, and follow my inner voice.
This is me marking time and loving myself for how far I’ve come and who I am as a human even though I am not perfect and won’t ever be.
Noone is really excited about their life struggles, but it does build the character that is needed to help you grow into the better version of yourself.
I’ve learned that staying true to my convictions is sometimes difficult, but it is the only way that I will not settle for the watered-down version of my potential that makes everybody else comfortable.
Every day is a day to heal and a day to grow.
I prefer it much better in these clear moments.
Because it feels like no matter what I’m moving forward in my healing and no one can take that away from me.
I told myself last night when I was pushing through my fear that if I still felt as bad as I did last night, today; then I would call the crisis hotline and go from there to move forward.
I’ve called before.
You have to make hard choices when your back is up against the wall, and you have to make temporary sacrifices sometimes, for the greater good of a temporary situation and the full picture.
It’s not just me that I’ve been worrying about. It’s Lola my cat and Regina George, my maltese as well.
Because of my past struggles and choices, I no longer get the privilege of having my children to wake up to.
I still do have my “animal kids” though, every day.
The thought of not being able to keep them with me until I got things figured out, was the number one reason why I did not go to the YMCA shelter.
My animal kids safety where also directly threatened numerous times by the person I left, but there are no shelters for most people with animals because of the insurance liability factor.
Same reason this new hotel only takes registered service animals.
I cannot take Regina and Lola with me. I cannot stay here because they won’t work with housing with the billing, and I’m 6+ grand in already for rent here, in just over 5 1/2 months.
That’s adulting with unemployment money, working, borrowing money from my family to be able to float my situation while I wait for my own money to come into my account, and being constantly broke to get it all done.
I have to wait another month until I can get into my actual apartment in the city between here and where I’m going now.
I’m on the last leg of the housing journey.
Apartment complex says Mid-November.
I’m approved and assigned to the unit, but waiting for the legal turnover of the apartment to the complex which is tomorrow and then they have to make any repairs, possible carpet replacement if needed, and last parts of the formal paperwork and moving in process.
Housing is paying for a month in this new hotel I will be moving to, until my apartment is ready for us.
It’s 4:30 in the morning and I’m sitting here with my last night of animal kids, watching them sleep. I know that Lola will be ok until next month with my gf and her family, and that my Father and K will love Regina. Surely she will love them back. 🙂
I’m getting Regina registered as a service animal so hopefully I’ll get her back with me soon when I’m still at the hotel. Just maybe it’ll take less time for repairs and I can move sooner than later and have both of them back sooner than later.
Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Either way Gina is getting registered because without the both of them I would not be alive right now, and I’m not living without her because we are ALL a family unit.
They give me a reason every day to keep going.
I’m getting help with the paperwork through the apartment complex to register her, by the way.
I was going to take a leave of absence from my current job, but it’s three cities over. I know I will be getting a closer job to me for sure, that I can feasibly walk to. I think in the future I might try working where I work now, again (it was fun); but it’s way too far away right now to keep.
I need to work for obvious reasons so this end of the week I’ll be searching again for work.
Not ideal, but I have to.
Love my job, hate my current situation regarding it.
I’ve spent over 2 grand on transportation trying to keep my part-time job because I couldn’t get financed. Uber and rentals where the only option for daily commuting that didn’t suck up half my day and night and not wreck my body, and it’s just not doable at all from Paw Paw.
I cannot believe that I have even made it this far.
My family, we are all growing together, it seems.
It feels good to be with family again. Without them helping me through and believing in me, I don’t know where I’d be.
I didn’t see any of the Michigan issues even coming because I was SO sure everything was going to work the way I thought it would.
Wrong. This is life, not a writing piece that I’m editing for post.
This last year can suck it though.
Only good thing is I have my children and family and GOOD real-life friends back in my life again.
Yep. Silver linings.
The emotional support my friends have also given me has been so greatly appreciated that I really just feel blessed and I can’t be thankful enough for it.
I won’t forget it.
I’ve felt so severely low at points during this process that it was hard to find the strength so many times.
I know I’m not the only one who has been in a position like this, and I remember that when I feel weak.
I AM STRONG.THIS I KNOW.
Life is a rollercoaster.
I’m trying to notch it down to the kiddy rollercoaster hills and Smooth. It. Out.
Tired of the hugely plunging, dramatic dips that have seemed to come at every bend of these last 49 years.
Scared and missing Ma and Gina already.
Packing, teletherapy at 10am, and a million things to do still before my mother comes and I have to say goodbye for a while to my beautiful babies.
I’m not looking forward to the “see you later”,
But I will definitely see them later.
We’ll be finishing strong on this part. It is in our blood.
This is our sacrifice for safety and better future.
When I started figuring out my personal boundaries I was 3 yrs old.
I found a lot of the people I liked or loved, liked me most when I had no personal boundaries.
Fast forward up to now.
It’s not really fulfilling to me to feel that desperate feeling inside anymore about what other people may or may not think about me and my life.
Have a conversation with me and you can tell that I’m a good human, besides that’s an empty way of life and I’m not like that anymore.
I don’t think people understand that.
I’m used to people judging me and I don’t think people understand that either.
I’ve been writing on this blog for five years and I am considering life and this blog and myself as well.
When I decided that I deserved to be happy and to feel safe in my OWN skin; I started to live with principle for myself for the first time in my life without feeling bad for it.
I’ve personally failed SO many times.
I still fail.
I win every day too because I know that I don’t have to be perfect, and I find away to be ok with that and keep going.
I have to make smart choices for myself and for my life and for my kids.
I also realized that a lot of people don’t like honesty and truth because it requires actually feeling feelings, and probably 13.5 percent of the time that’s true for me too, if you want to get technical.
There are things I don’t want to see or hear or do. There are things and people I avoid because I am smart and because it I understand that it will make me mentally sick.
*Edit. Then I can’t be productive.
Hello, my name is human.
Why do you think I prefer to be alone?
My animals don’t judge me for my political views or try to kill me or lie openly to me to get stuff from me when they know I also struggle.
I’m so broke right now that I think the sun isn’t coming out, but I am sitting in it so I’m grateful and warm.
Waiting for my own money basically.
Housing is helping me now and I’m grateful for that too because I’d be homeless and that’s no joke.