The Journey.

Moving forward isn’t about everything going completely smooth and according to plan. 

It’s about the everyday choices you make for yourself; and remembering what’s important in life…doing what you have to do, to nurture those ideas.

Doing positive things in any capacity, is better than not. It’s not about the scale of the act; but the act itself.

Even when it’s hard, there’s a certain calm in me now, that I am grateful for.

I know it is about the journey…

And this is mine.

For once I am not afraid…and that comforts me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

The Truth Will Set You Free.

I own my story, and my life.

The good parts; the bad; and the lessons I have learned through falling, and standing back up again.

I talk about it openly, because I hope to help others not be afraid of working towards a healthy and positive life too; despite their mental illnesses, disabilities, addictions, or self-esteem hang ups; or the work that goes into managing the compulsions and set backs that may accompany them.

For a long, long time I lived a life that was not in any way, shape or form; my best potential. Not even 80%. Or 70….and some times not even .999.

I masked myself with vices to numb myself from reality. I drank too much, for too long. I took prescribed, synthetic meds that made my symptoms worse, and compromised my health just the same.

Or I combined the two.

I’ve also done the hard drugs, with the exception of interveniously shooting them…but I have managed to do those kinds of drugs in other ways, none the less, and just the same.

The point is; it wasn’t a life that I was proud of. I had tried and failed, more times than I cared to admit.

I’d finally had enough of my demons; and I walked away from them to save my own life.

I decided that no one else owed me anything; and I needed to try to try…because shitty life or not… it was my life to live; and how could I even know if my life could be better, if I was continually caving to the vices that were destroying me.

I stopped that behavior, because it WAS killing me.

It was killing the people around me that care about me too; like my family, and true friends. I was killing them, with MY behaviors and actions.

I chose to lift my thought process, to something that would propell me forward instead of backwards for once…

I’ve been in ruthless pursuit of my peaceful self, ever since.

I gave up the parts of me that liked to kill me slowly; and their accompanying chaos. I do not trigger them, or engage them today, because it makes me sick, literally…and it’s simply not worth living a miserable existence for.

The trys become DOs a lot more now; now that I know I’m awake; and sober. 

I decided I couldn’t really do much, without actually doing it.

Go figure.

…………………………………………..☀.               🌟.                    ☀

There will be life rewards that will come to you, from the work part of coming to terms with yourself.

You start to realize things about yourself that will change the pieces of damage you carry, into fibers; that make your body stronger for the work that you have put in, and are putting in to heal. Emotional strength and loving who you are as a whole; is to me…one of the top important things in life…

In my opinion, THEE most important; probably because it has been so hard, and taken so long for me to actually start doing it.

To make peace with yourself, is a gift you give YOU.  To miss the unlovable parts sometimes, is normal. To not talk to those parts or engage them, because they hurt you…is crucial.

Tough love and sacrifice.

You will become a better person for it.

It’s a given.

It is a daily choice to live honestly and without regret.

I’ve learned this finally.

It is sometimes not easy. I learn something new about life and myself every single day…and sometimes I feel weak.

I am NOT perfect…but I make a solid effort to be honest and generally nurturing and compassionate; true…for years now.

I grow, and forgive myself for the things that I have done to keep myself sick.

I had to; to move forward.

My family and children have also forgiven me, and so what I can do now, is prove myself to them through my actions…not words.

I’m doing that.

I personally feel most of the time that I need to work harder. I guess that’s something that I will always hate about myself. 

It really never seems to be enough; no matter how genuine I am; in just about all aspects of my life.

That’s a fact.

Uncertainty has always scared me, because I’ve been in survival mode, since the first time my step-father made me realize that I was going to get hit if I didn’t conform…so for a long time. My real father is a jailed until death murderer, drug addict, and also has mental issues…

I come from broken.

That is a fact.

It took SO long, to give ME a chance.

I was afraid of love, and myself as well.

FEAR will kill you…or large parts of you…every day. It will manifest into anxiety that will cause parts of you to die. You will stop caring about the people you love…because you’re afraid.

True fact. As according to ME. And what happened to ME in MY life.

That’s it.

When you’ve suffered things you can’t make sense of; and you have, or have had trauma in your life…if you’ve carried it with you like a best friend for as long as you could remember; if you’ve masked the pain and hidden from the world and yourself….a lot of what you feel is ALONE.

One of the key things I personally needed to learn; is that, I was NOT, and AM NOT alone.

I CHOSE to remain alone and not seek help….

because I was afraid.

To me, if I didn’t hurt emotionally or physically in some fashion; then I would be, being selfish. I also let people make me feel selfish for loving myself; and I more than not put other people’s needs, in front of my own.  And so, because I don’t like that part of me; the selfish part….because she’s riddled with fear and hate; I became compliant…and I hated myself. 

When I began to believe that it was possible to heal my mental damage, and control my bipolar…without synthetic medication, or alcohol, I began to come into myself again, and started knowing who I was as a person, based on reason…for the first time.

I am a good person despite my flaws; and I FINALLY know this.

There were many people who showed me reason throughout my journey, along my way.

I thank you, truly…

Sometimes tough love is the only thing that works. Also, when I realized the damage I had caused others….well I needed to fix the parts of me that did that. 

I fail sometimes still…..but the people that love me for me, know I put effort towards succeeding now; and I do on more and more occasions lately, because I put the work in.

Period.

You can hate me, and judge me all you want to, and say anything you want to about me….I’m OK with that.

The sweetest part about coming to terms with your own truth, is that you’re the only one that has to own it.

People that are not contributing to my positivity and well-being today; I don’t hold stock in. The truth of the matter is… someone that thinks they are better than you, because of the things you’ve done or been through…or haven’t; will most likely never get it, until they start looking at their own short-comings; until something significant causes a rift in them, that can’t be fixed; and they have to look for their own peace.

Judging me, won’t change the fact that I’m OK with me.
Something I’ve learned and worked for, over time, as well.

I don’t live by anyone’s rules but my own. I also hold value in myself, and were I’ve been.

I should be dead.

I wear the scars mentally, externally, and across my face and body daily… MY story; and a life, that I have lived. 

MY life.

Some people want me to feel bad and ashamed about that for the rest of my life. Instead, I talk about my issues and life, so I can heal from within, and help others who have no voice, to heal themselves too.

I’m disappointed that I wasn’t regarded or valued the way I should have been, as a child…because I think if I had been valued more…I might have valued myself more.

But I can’t live in that.

I’m just as disappointed by myself…because I never valued myself.  I’m angry that I hurt people I value/valued in my life…because I was living the wrong way, and numb.

I consider who I am today…and I’m OK with her; I’m a more than decent person…and I know it, AND show it.

True; I have a ruthless streak in me, that likes to pop off. I consciously try to avoid situations and surroundings that make her show up. 

I have to do that for myself.

I’m glad I stopped drinking. I’m glad I stopped synthetics…every day.

I know, I can be working daily for a goal that I may never fully achieve. I know also, that I can be a good influence on the greater good of things; I already am in many regards, and I know my words resignate with many.

It’s because I wasn’t afraid of being honest about the things I’ve been through.

I owned it.

I don’t love everything in my life at all, or everything that I’ve done in my life; but here’s something I learned, and try to practice daily………………………….

You can choose to change your life for the better at any given moment in time.

TRUTH.

And you don’t need anybody else’s permission or opinion about it at all, to do it.

You just need to do it.

It’s not a bad thing to say I’ve had enough of the negative, and the negative self-esteem.

It’s not a bad thing to value yourself, as much as you value others.

It’s not a bad thing to be truthful, and ask for help when you need it.

I remember that, because it IS true.

You can hate me all you want to for any of my past..but that’s not who I am today.

I am sober; 7 months, 4 days.

I am living with conviction and the truth of my reality.

I am worth it.

I’m grateful for that, and that I finally know it.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Beautiful day and some thoughts.

It’s probably one of the last nice days of the season; and I’m grateful for the hope I’ve been feeling lately.

It is Karter’s death anniversary; it’s been 9 years since he’s passed. He’d be 12 years old if he were alive today.  

I, in the past, would often go into a shell for weeks around this time every year. It’s a positive sign that I feel no depression this year…only acceptance.

I know my son is OK now, wherever he is. I know he is with me every day. The pain I used to feel, has been replaced with understanding and strength.

I think realizing what is truly important in my life today, is Karter’s way of helping me know, that it’s ok to let go of the trauma I held for so long over his death.

I know that he was a gift; and that I can find comfort in the things that he taught me, and the bond we shared.

That’s a significant thing, and true progress. 

I have the day off, and it’ll be spent doing things that are relaxing and needed. I can still hear the dogs barking though. Lol.

I have great concerns about what has been happening in the world lately, but I’m not going to focus on it for right now; because all it’ll do is make me anxious.

I’m going to take some pictures tonight, and hopefully T will come with.

We need some “US” time. I also want to release a balloon for my son.

Today I’m focusing on the positive side of life, and paying no attention to the negative rabble that always *seems to be around and trying to upset my good juju. No going back to that crap and nonsense ever again…only forward into happy. 

I’m also killing myself with kindness; because it helps me to be kinder to others as well.

Try it; it works.

I am 191 days sober; or 6 months, seven days….and so is T.

Every day is a new day to be the person you were meant to be.

Love yourself.

Rest in peace Karter Law Rounds. Momma loves you.❤❤❤

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces ME


An actual technical paycheck.

So I got my first real paycheck in years today.

What? 😉

I’m happy because I know I truly earned it…in many ways.

I’m glad I made the choice to finally start having some faith in myself.

I know there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t like this job because it’s physically demanding, dirty, and takes a high love of all things dog and cat. For me it makes me feel peaceful inside, and I love it. 

My eldest daughter is proud of me, and my true friends. I know my mom will be too when I tell her. I am proud of me. It’s been a rough journey to feeling like I’m able to work.

I’m sending money to my kids for their Birthdays, getting my camera equipment off of pawn, and saving. 

Couldnt really do that on disability, so.

This feels awesome. 

Love yourself. 

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

What Matters Most.

So I had this long blog that I wrote a few days ago, but my internet shit out before I saved it;  now I’m writing this. 

I like my job. 

Physically speaking, there is no real reason to buy a gym membership now, because it’s literally cardio and lifting stuff all day long. That’s awesome to me. In the morning waking up it is tough, but at least I know I’m getting there.

There are a lot of dogs at this place, who are either extremely nervous or disabled/sick. Many come on a daily basis for day care. I know they all know I’m a “good one”. I know that I help them feel better after interacting with them. I also know they look forward to seeing ME. That’s a good feeling to have, because it is real and rewarding. I was told my boss that I am doing an exceptional job. Other higher ups have said the same things.

I don’t know how much better of a compliment or validation I can get. I’ve been straight up honest about myself to them, and so for them to come out and say multiple times that I’m basically killing it…well no one there knows how much it means to me. 

It motivates me in general.

I feel fortunate that I’ve found something that suits me, and helps me focus on the positive. I actually will have some money now, to be able to meet some other goals that need to *met. 

My kids birthdays are both this month. My eldest daughter yesterday, and my eldest son’s is tomorrow, on the 30th. I still remember how upset my eldest was that her brother’s birthday was literally two days after hers. I had to smile at the thought of it because I do understand. I think everybody wants a time where they matter most. (or a month) 😊

My damn vagina not cooperating. Hahaha.

Anyways Happy Birthday babies. I love you so much. I could never be more lucky, *than to have the privilege of having you in my life. 

I also know all of the other stuff, but I want you to know that I try to be a better person today, and you guys are the reason. You are the most important things in my life. I hope I can truly show you with my actions, and you will know one day.

I feel the need to write it here, in case you come across this blog one day. 

I’m six months, 3 days sober today. And it’s because I know for once in my life what’s really important. That’s my sobriety, kids, family and friends that truly love me, my job, my goals, being a positive influence to the world. 

I am grateful for my life, and the people in it *that truly value me. 

Free writing is my forte’, because I can be just me; and I’m alright with it.  

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

178.

I can be grateful and happy that I am 178 days sober, and moving in what seems to be, a forward motion. 

Today I’m just going to go to work, and talk to animals.

Nothing fancy, but it works.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

A Mother’s Regret.

My eldest daughter will be 29, at the end of this month.

THAT is CRAZY.

She is surely one of the brightest and most beautiful people you will ever meet; and I am grateful every day that she turned out to be so level-headed and smart…despite having someone like me, for a mother.

It’s true; that was not a “poor me, feel bad for me”, statement.

My truth hurts me MOST of the time…because I chose to put a lot of things in front of what I should have done…for most of my life.

I haven’t allowed myself to fully feel the thoughts of how much I was not there for my first born, when she was growing up.  I love her SO much, that it’s hard for me to think about how much I missed out on by choice, how much that must have hurt her, and how much I know I’ve let her down, when it counted.

I was not there for her when she was little, not really. Not like I should have been, at all. 

I was more of a visiting friend…and it wasn’t consistent, or of much quality. She was not yet a year old, when I left my mother’s house. She didn’t come to live with me full-time until the age of 13, and by 16, she was living with her father.

I think that one of the hardest parts for me about being sober, is that all of the parts that I was trying to kill with substance, come seeping back in through the cracks; like an octopus that is systematically creeping through a crevis five times too small for it’s body.

I sometimes think that what hell really is… is the pain you have to suffer through, when you are alive on this Earth.

It sucks to know that I hurt my daughter emotionally. 

How and why, is a story of it’s own…that maybe I can manage to get fully down on paper some day.

I was texting with my daughter yesterday; and she thanked me for continuing to reach out to her. 

All I could do was to reassure her that I was there if she needed me. 

All I can do today, is to prove it to her by being consistent with love and support when she needs me, and otherwise always.

I tried to stay away from her for a long time, because I was ashamed of myself, my selfish ways, and I didn’t want to screw her up. 

I wish I would have had the support to believe in myself, and that I could have been a good mother to her; because I think I could have been. 

The truth is, my mother had me believing that I couldn’t do much of anything but fail, by the time she kicked me out, and I left the house…a month before my 18th birthday.

Another truth.

When your mother says “I will call the cops if you take that baby…”

Let’s just say if I would have been smart, I would have believed that I could have been a good mother to her. 

I would have found a way to be, the mother I should have been, because I would have known that I could do it…

And I would have, TAKEN MY OWN BABY with me.

I love my mother, but I wish she knew sometimes, how much I wish I could have been my daughters mother, instead of her. 

I’ve struggled with this, for almost 30 years now.

I hope that some day, I can truthfully talk to my daughter about that time..because mostly my goal is to LISTEN.

I’m proud of my daughter, and the woman she is. 

I hope she always knows it. 

I’m glad she was raised to always believe in herself no matter what; because I think it’s made all the difference. 

I have more to say about it, but not today.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Work.

So I got the job at the pet hotel. My orientation and scheduling is today, after noon.

I’m not too worried about it because I’m OCD and good with animals. 

My biggest challenge will be interacting with actual people. 

That’s funny I know. 

Especially if you knew me growing up.

I pretty much figure it can only be, as hard as I make it. 

I have goals that I can at least have a shot at meeting now, and have accomplished this one… because I know what is important.

I’m doing. 

This is the first tax-paying job, that I have had in almost five years. 

I’m still going to work on my other ideas for happiness, on the side.

Eventually I’ll find a way that suits me, and is truly fufilling/productive.

That’s important to me, but this is a good start.

I am 5 months, 23 days sober.

Meow.

Love yourself. 😘😘😘

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Trust your Gut.

I’ve spent too much of my life going against myself.

It wasn’t worth it at all.

Your gut will never lie to you…

It’s your brain that does that. 

Trust yourself enough to know the difference.

When you go against your gut, you are going against what your core being believes to be true. 

It usually is true.

Second-guessing yourself doesn’t do anything, but give your brain space to create self-doubt, and confusion within you.

Love yourself enough to trust your gut intuition.

It is there for a reason, and can save you from a lot of potential BS in the future.

The hard way, is no way to learn about this one….trust me.

Please just do.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Untitled.

I wonder what the morning will bring; 

For now, I will count the stars.
My hope comes in waves and soft whispers in the night.

It is now that I want to remember.

Moments…stolen in time and tucked away in the deepest parts of me that will always remember.

Pieces of me that I can never get back, thrown about the remnants of what remains. 
Every day feels like rain until I remember that I am my own sun when I want to be. 

The sun suits me much better than rain. In the rain, it is true that I am closer to myself; but the sun is where I long to be most of the time.

With you. 

I am looking for the rainbow, because I know it will come. 

You always look up, and it’s just there. 

It comforts me. Because I know the sun is coming.

Maybe that’s weird, but that’s just me.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of Me