To accept the things I cannot change, and build a new foundation for trust.

I went to Michigan to see my children and my mother a few weeks ago. I went by myself and stayed with my mother at her condominium.

It was a good trip; extremely therapeutic for me.

As I drove there and back to Ohio, I considered a lot of things.

The hardest part of the trip for me; as is every trip to Michigan; was seeing the obvious anxiety that my daughter still has when she sees me.

We are still somewhat awkward with each other anyway; because we are re-learning each other again, and I have not been around in some years.

It’s hard to know that I caused her damage that I cannot reverse. For whatever reasons they were, I will always regret hurting my youngest daughter in a way that will always make her question me.

I hate myself for it. To see it on her face is hard, but I know it is hardest for her. This beautiful child should never have to question her mother’s love or have had to in the first place.

Fact.

Today I put forth the effort every day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Even if it’s just little things like being more soft-spoken than I’d normally be, I do put forth the effort every day to be better in myself.

I understand what I’ve done and what it will take to have trusts form again between my youngest two.

I know that it will not be a traditional relationship. I know the reality.

Regarding my kids, I try to be totally honest with them now.

I am still not perfect, but I do what I say I’m going to do. If I can’t or think I might not be able to, I’m honest about it.

Because wanting to do, and doing, are two totally different things. Like saying you’ll be there, is totally different than saying you might not be there, but you’ll try your hardest to be.

I stopped promising my kids things that I know I can’t do.

It is better to disappoint with the truth than to make a promise and fall through on it.

I learned that hardcore, the wrong way; the hard way.

I damaged my kids because of it.

I worry about follow through a lot these days. In general, but regarding my kids for sure.

I’m trying to let them live their lives without major interference from me. They have a new family unit and are happy. I try to respect that fully.

I miss them every day.

I cry sometimes still because I’ve missed my kids growing up and every major event in their lives, since for years and years. I regret it.

I know I cannot change the past. I know that my daughter has anxiety because I chose to give up on myself and them. I was a combination of suicidal, scared, hopeless, distraught, sick in my head with grief over my whole life and what my life even meant after my son started getting sick, and then even more after he passed.

It was still no excuse to give up on my kids and everything.

I worried every day. All day long. But it was about if my son was going to die, and then it became what I could have done differently to prevent his death.

It was my entire focus for over a decade.

I was there, but I was not. Then I was not there at all.

I had a major lapse, and then I drank and combined it with narcotics to numb my brain from feeling any of it.

That truth is so hard to admit.

I will never be able to tell you what that feels like to have to know that your daughter has every legit right to be anxious around you.

What a selfish alcoholic I was. I tried to hide it and just couldn’t hide anything.

You can’t hide the truth, without repercussions.

This I know for sure.

I think of who I was then, and who I am today. I hope every day that my kids will start to see, some of the good changes in me.

I hope they will be able to trust me again in the future.

My children inspire me to keep going. If I cannot keep going for anything else; I will for them.

I told my daughter on the phone the last time I talked to her that I will always come back for her. Always.

I wanted her to know that I’m not going to get sick and go away again.

I know that I have enough coping and life skills in me now, to be able to prevent that from ever happening again. I have a support system. I have tools. But she doesn’t know that. How could she?

I hope that one day my daughter will feel happy to see me, instead of anxious.

It’s a goal that I have to work on, on my end if it; because I’m the one that made the problem.

Trauma is real and comes in many forms. If you do not deal with your own trauma, it projects out and you will cause trauma in other people’s lives. More so, you will systematically push away everything in the world that ever mattered to you, until you are alone with nothing else left but your thoughts.

Then you will begin to see the damage you have created for yourself, and for the people who love you.

My children had no choice in the matter. I did. I made the wrong ones.

If you can relate to any of this, my advice is find it in you to change right now.

Do not miss out on the best things in your life.

It is all I can do to keep moving forward now.

For my kids; for my future, for myself.

I can’t help but remember sometimes, because I know my kids still do. I hope to make it right in the end.

I have more to write about my kids, but that’s enough for today.

Love yourself; because if you don’t love yourself, no one else will be able to either.

P.s. Sorry about the head-chop Austin, your sister took the picture 🙂 ❤

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

FU stinking thinking.

I haven’t felt like blogging or writing at all lately.

I guess mostly I don’t really see the point.

Feels like groundhog day, every day. Pretty much just going through the motions of life.

Working on goals that still seem unattainable right now for me; but working on the things I can to get there, none the less.

At the present time, I am frustrated in general. I am trying to be positive, but do not feel positive.

Still waiting for an EMDR appointment.

I am one year, four months, and nineteen days sober. Lately, I have had fleeting thoughts of drinking that should not be there. It is usually when I am feeling very emotional; and as I said it’s fleeting..because I already know the outcome.

It’s the fact that my brain does this to me, that makes me feel betrayed. Like, if I can’t even trust my own brain to not sabotage me when I’m feeling vulnerable, then who can I trust?

I have not drunk. I do not want to drink. I know that is what really counts.

Even though I know that these feelings are just feelings; just because my brain thought about it, I feel horrible.

Will I ever be able to say that I am actually free of this curse that I have carried for so long?

The answer is NO. I will never be free of it. Alcoholism and my addictive nature will always be something I am going to have to fight.

I wish that I could always feel strong inside instead.

I feel depressed when I feel like my brain is going backwards, because I don’t want to think about relapsing at all.

I do think that admitting it out loud that I am not always strong; is what is keeping me moving forward, and staying sober though.

My life was SO sad when I was drinking. I was a literal train wreck. I never want to go back there, ever.

The desperation I felt in active addiction made me want to die every day, and that’s NOT living.

I remember. Everyone does.

Today I can be proud of myself for holding steady, and staying focused on solutions, despite my stinking thinking and depression from it; and I know this.

I can be proud of myself for playing the entire record through and choosing not to drink, in those times that my brain said “Hey come on Jenni, remember the “good times”.

What good times?

There were never any truly good times while drinking; and there’s power for me, in knowing that.

It was all just a mask I wore to hide my pain. All of it. Masks.

It mostly consisted of drinking by myself, or with people who didn’t care about what happened to me at all.

I think of my children, my family, and all of my friends that have stood by me when I was so sick, and up until now… this day, still support my journey.

I know that this is just part of recovery process and that the unhealthy part of my brain is trying to escape out that locked door again up there. I’m not sorry to say that I don’t have time for that shit.

I know that life is what you make of it, and my sobriety is just the same.

I know I have to keep going forward if I want to get anywhere at all.

Even if I don’t know where that forward is leading me.

I know it’s surely not leading me back to my doom.

I won’t do that to ME, because my life means more to me than any drink ever could…

And so I will keep fighting it.

That’s all for today friends.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Weight

The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

So why you gotta’ go and sit on the weight?

What’s coming, who’s coming? I don’t know, aren’t you curious?

Why ya’ gotta’ go and have it all perfect before you leap?

You already know there is no net anyways, and you are the kind that always jumps.

What’s it going to take to get you off of this weight?

We need to move it, and let your life out for someone that will use it.

J.Rounds ©2017 ~Peaces of ME

Mask

It’s a mask that we wear for the world to see

Because easy is easy and easy to be

In the dark with myself there is nowhere to hide

It is me and myself and myself and I

Open up and purge the hurt so that you may live

Give it everything that you’ve got to give.

The mask comes off and in truth you confide

Reality is better than living a lie

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

I will be a Light.

There is a new-found peace within me.
The struggles are still real, but I am finding my way.
Every day I am grateful for this new understanding, and second chance at life.
I am grateful that I am no longer afraid of living.
I am not my addiction.
I am what I choose to be.

I choose to be Jenni.

I choose to be sober Jenni.

Everything that I do from here on out, directly stems from this fact.

I will DO, instead of not doing.

I will BE, instead of not being.

Every day I will remember where I’ve been; and just how far that I have come.
I will love myself; so that I can love others.

I will be a light in a world of darkness.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

It’s your Birthday… Don’t party like it’s your Birthday.

Yeah, if I partied like it was my Birthday…it wouldn’t be good for ANYTHING in my life.

NO.

I am sober. This is the first thing I can celebrate today.

All things start and end with this.

Cheesy I know, but seriously.

I’m going to see my two youngest children this weekend.

So that is another gift.

I’m 47 today.

What?

How am I supposed to answer this question? It seems surreal at best.

I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out together.

I intend to live with more purpose this year.

Build a brand.

Make enough money supporting myself off of doing things that come naturally to me. Like art, writing, sewing, crafting, furniture, making clothes, photography, inspiring people to inspire themselves to live, instead of living to die slowly every day in despair. Work my other job at the kennel as well.

I will make wiser choices from now on about my time management and money.

Well, that’s my goal.

I need to fix my credit.

I need to make more money to do that.

I have to work another job on top of the one I have, because I have immediate bills and fair credit.

Why not do what I’m good at?

I don’t want to work a second job for someone else. I already have a job like that.

I know that I have to stay positive and motivated every day.

I feel as though I almost always am at this point.

I can see the silver linings in life so much easier now.

I know my money situation will work itself out.

I just need to keep working for it, and take a chance on ME.

I used to say that I just needed a ” break”.

Now I know that I make my own choices, and those choices directly affect my future.

I have to do the work to get anywhere. Even if it’s slow going.

It’s my passion to live my truth and do a job that inspires me.

I have to choose wisely what I do with my time, or I won’t meet the goals I want to meet.

I’m not stopping until I get somewhere.

This year is going to be a productive one for me, and I am full of hope.

That is what 47 is bringing to me.

A whole lot of focusing on moving forward, and not focusing on looking back.

I do not feel 47 at all; and I’m rolling with that fact.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Full-time decent person this year for for me.

“Be the person you want to be all the time, not just when people are looking.”

There is something to be said about marching to the beat of your own drum.

There is something to be said about being a full-time decent person, that marches to the beat of their own drum as well.

The friend circle is smaller for people like me, by nature, because I don’t like to people all the time anyways.

Now, that I try to do the right thing; my friend circle is even smaller.

I’m not as entertaining anymore.

Decency equals boring, right?

Not right.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter to me about the numbers of friends that I have in my personal circle.

Does it, Ozzy.

No.

Quality is much better for me.

Tomorrow is my 47th Birthday, and it has been a BS-axing year for me.

I am sober, and I thank myself for that.

Birthday gift.

I am moving forward, although there are many kinds of pitfalls and drop-offs that like to shake stuff up for me, I’m finding.

I’m weeding through it daily.

That’s the best way I can put it.

I’m not jazzed about certain things in my life, but I know it’ll be up to me, all of it; to push through it, and change those things.

It’s my life.

It’s days like this that make me anxious.

My Birthday and all; really any significant date in my life.

I do hope the year will be a good one for me, and I think it will be.

It’s days like this that I remember, that I’ve made it this far, and what the journey means.

Also that age is just a number.

Live.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018 ~Peaces of ME

Remembering today that people are mostly shape-shifters, and not genuine.

Feeling *disappointed about this fact; but moving past it.

I know who I am; and that I don’t need to worry about people that were never truthful or genuine with me, in the first place.

It’s not my loss.

Resist interpretation.

To be like everyone else would be the furthest thing from my nature, that I could possibly think of.

I do not know why I have spent so much of my life; trying to please everybody else in it; but the person who was living it.

A caged bird.

Clipped wings.

I want to fly.

I miss the air in my hair and the smell of the meadows.

I will always remember being eight years old and looking up with at the sky, with the grass in my hair; and the smell of hot, summer air.

The insect noises.

I remember feeling a burst of energy in my brain as the heat hit my body, as if something was telling me that I had this spark in me.

Don’t forget.

I want to be loved for who I am.

I want to love myself for who I am.

And so I am.

The fact that I allow myself now to bend with my reason; but stay true to my core values; is something I value.

Because I didn’t always have that in me.

Resist other peoples’ interpretations of you.

Be willing to learn new ways and ideas, that are based on reason and realistic compromises, and goals.

Instead of this back and forth BS about who’s really right.

If you can fix everything; then do it.

I can’t. I can only find my way.

If you can’t stand for your own thoughts; and have to be around people that make you feel bad for believing the way you do….well, that’s not life.

In real life; the internet…. anywhere.

I know I am living now; and that it is reality.

It still feels like a dream sometimes; because I cannot believe what we as a human race have come to.

Can’t. Even.

Could be that life is just what you make of it.

And they always say live your dream; don’t they.

You’re ok.

Remember that.

It makes sense to me.

True colors.

Love yourself.

J.Rounds ©2018~Peaces of ME